Priorities of a wise Mum 8

Happy Couple, originally uploaded by Just Us 3.
This is a favourite photo of mine.  If you follow the link,  you can read the story about this couple.  They call each other Dear and Honey.  They have clearly been together a long time and enjoy sharing their lives with each other.  This photo captures something beautiful about a marriage that is happy and connected.  A wise Mum recognises that her marriage is a central relationship in her life.  You won't just drift into a happy marriage.  Your children will not grow up, leave home for you to then have a deeply fulfilling and happy marriage.  If you are not investing in your marriage now, it won't be there when you reach a new season in your life.
A couple who are not emotionally connected are a couple who are unhappy and lonely.  It is quite possible to hide the extent to which the hurt and disappointment you are feeling is impacting you both,  and it can be quite a surprise to friends and church communities when a relationship breaks down.  It does not have to be that way and it does not involve making gigantic steps that seem like hard work.
The best gift you can give your children is a good marriage.  It is the best gift you can give your church community and the best gift you can give to our broader community.  When a marriage breaks down, lots of people suffer and there will be a ripple effect that continues to impact the lives of others.
If you are reading this and have three children under the age of five, this will probably be one of the most challenging times in your marriage.  It is hard work!  I remember being told this at a marriage workshop, as I sat knitting, heavily pregnant with my third child.  I heard it and then experienced it first hand.
It will usually be the wife who recognises warning signs that all is not going well in a marriage.  If you feel like there are some cracks, you can do something about it - seek the counsel of an older woman who you trust as a start - don't leave it too late or hope that magically, things will improve on their own - they won't.  Often the first step to rebuilding emotional connection is admitting that things could be better and making a decision to do something about it.
If this is not your experience, give thanks to God and continue to nurture your relationship with your husband - invest by setting aside "couple time", have fun together and show appreciation for each other.  If you love your children, invest in your marriage.
Last night in bible study, we looked at this passage from the book of Hebrews:

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."  Hebrews 4:14-16

This passage follows an earlier verse about how God sees into the very core of our beings - that everything is uncovered and laid bare before Him.  When things are not good, it is tempting to want to hide away with shame.  These verses are a strong exhortation to each of us to approach the throne of grace - at any time when we are in need.  My prayer for each of you who read this, is that you will not only hold firmly to your faith, but will also ask for help in facing your hurts, disappointments and vulnerabilities. 

Love is in the air

I live with three young adults, so it is not surprising that our conversations regularly return to matters of the heart.  A few weeks ago, I had an interesting conversation with my son Johnny who is sixteen.  We had just been to a wedding for a dear family friend.  The couple were clearly in love and happiness poured out of every bit of them.  Johnny asked me about this "flame" and what happened to it.  From his observations it seems to disappear from marriages.

At the time, we were looking after his young cousins who are 18 months and almost four while their mother had been rushed to hospital in an ambulance after a severe epileptic fit.  We were bathing both children, feeding them and putting them to bed.  In my head, my immediate response was "life" - life happens and often it sucks the flame out of couples as they struggle to survive the pressures of surviving the experiences of life that come their way.  I didn't say this, but we talked about love, marriage and romance, but the question remained with me.

In the lead up to Valentine's Day, our family had many discussions about love over dinner.  Johnny told us that he thought that one of Shakespeare's sonnets would be perfect for sharing with someone you loved.  Much to our surprise, he mentioned one in particular.  I was not familiar with this particular sonnet, but it aroused my curiosity.  It must have aroused our house guest James' curiosity also, as he went out and purchased the Penguin complete edition of Shakespeare's sonnets.  We all read the sonnet that Johnny had mentioned - it was indeed beautiful and filled with passion and desire. James returned home for the weekend and spent his seven hour train trip reading this collection of sonnets.  I went out in search for our own copy of this collection.

I have to confess, but I adore romantic comedies - much to the amusement of my family.  "You've Got Mail", "In her Shoes","Sleepless in Seattle" "When Harry met Sally" and "Love Actually" are all favourites - I have them all on DVD and regularly watch them again and again.  I was hoping I would get to see the latest romantic comedy that is out "Valentine's Day" and even suggested it to Keith on Friday morning.  He was most disinterested in the idea, so I thought that I might have to go alone.  However, I had a surprise gift arrive at the door later that day, and it included a double pass to see "Valentine's Day".

I loved it.  Despite its total predictability, it was fun, I laughed and enjoyed seeing it immensely.  It is centred around a florist in Los Angeles.  The shop is amazing - simply beautiful and there were some lovely relationships explored, as well as some not so lovely relationships.  The theme of love being based on a deep friendship came through.  After the movie, Keith and I had dinner and then it was time to go home.  The heavens had opened and we had no umbrella and quite a walk to our car.

I removed my shoes, and together we ran, laughing, down Norton Street towards our car.  We bought a $10 umbrella, but even this failed to keep us dry.  We were completely drenched by the time we reached the car, but neither of us minded one bit - it had been a fun little interlude.  I had been tempted to join a group of teenage girls dancing in the rain in the Forum, but decided that I was perhaps a little old.

I have purchased two books which might keep love in the air  Shakespeare on Love edited by CN Edwards and   Penguin's Poems for Love selected by Laura Barber - this includes one of my very favourite poems by EE Cummings "I carry your heart with me".

Valentine's Day is over for another year, but I suspect that conversations about love will continue in our household.  There is a challenge to have a marriage that doesn't lose the flame.  Song of Songs was not written just for the newly married.  It is a book for all married couples - it is filled with desire, passion, love and there is that flame that Johnny saw.

Revolutionary Road

rr trailer still 09 revolutionary road kate winslet trailer still, originally uploaded by clemato.

Revolutionary Road

It could be about a war with a title like this and indeed it is about a war that exists behind closed doors – the combatants are a young husband and his wife, who supposedly have it all.
April and Frank live on Revolutionary Road, a quiet beautiful street in an affluent suburb filled with other young couples and they seemingly have it all – a comfortable home, gorgeous small children, money, and work. April is a stay at home Mum who plays house and Frank has a job with prospects of advancement up the ranks. But appearances can be deceptive and all is not what it seems.
The book of Ecclesiastes paints a similar picture of life: “meaningless! Meaningless! Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.” (Ecc 1:2) The writer looks at different ways of trying to find meaning in life – seeking after wisdom, or the pleasures of life, or through work, or by gathering wealth, and concludes that none of these things will provide meaningful fulfilment.
It is Frank’s birthday and he tries to drown his unhappiness and emptiness by spending the day with a beautiful girl he has met through work and drinking himself insensible and then seducing her. He returns home to a wife who is making one final effort at restoring the magic that was in their relationship at the beginning.
During the day, April came across a photo of Frank from his youth in front of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. She remembers a conversation in which his face lit up with excitement as he described the wonder of Paris. She thinks if they return to Paris, he might rediscover this joy and exuberance. April convinces Frank that they can sell their home, he can leave his job and go and live in Paris – she can work, while he “finds himself” whatever that is. There is an element of a “chasing after the wind” in this move but they are determined to give it a go and the question is, will this tactic work? Will they be able to replace the fighting words and vicious attacks and salvage what is lost from their relationship?
April and Frank are a personification of what happens to many couples in our world today. They meet, fall in love and start their married life with a dream of what their life will become.
Before long, the monotony and reality of the patterns of life begin to wear them down. They become disappointed with what their life becomes, and that they have been replaced by shattered dreams. Most of the time, they are tired and worn down and are wondering what happened to their shared dreams. It has become empty and hopeless and they begin to take their unhappiness out on each other and their home is filled with fighting and verbal attacks. The love they had for each other is replaced by contempt and loathing.
Revolutionary Road is set in America in the 1950s and the book of Ecclesiastes was written centuries ago, but both are equally relevant to Sydney in 2009. An acquaintance went to see Revolutionary Road and left in floods of tears and said it described her home. How sad is that?
The film ends without hope and the people’s lives are still empty. Not one of the characters has figured out how to make the monotony and rhythms of life any different. God makes no appearance in this film and it is almost in His absence that He is patently there. It is only with God that hopelessness can be replaced with hope and emptiness replaced by a deep contentment.
If Revolutionary Road is a confronting film for Christian couples, there is a possibility of change and reconciliation. You don’t have to remain in the war zone; you can call a truce and seek peace. You can be the one to begin to treat the other differently. It won’t happen overnight but is possible to retreat, think and pray and ask that God will transform the relationship into one that is spirit-filled and brings delight to His name.

Nothing is more beautiful than the LOVE that has weathered the storms

Nothing is more beautiful than the LOVE that has weathered the storms of life., originally uploaded by Lidolil.

I was recently asked to write a very brief article outlining the biblical principles in marriage. This is what I came up with, but it was still too long, so I had to prune it, but this is the unpruned version. I love this photo of this couple. Despite the wrinkles, there is much beauty and dignity about them.

The bible spells out the principles that enable a marriage to bring the blessing and joy that God intends. What are these principles?

1. Marriage is a lifetime commitment

Jesus said of marriage “what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:6). In explaining this, Jesus went back to the creation story of Genesis 2. Adam had been created, but he had no suitable helper. While Adam slept, God took one of his ribs and made a woman from this rib.
Adam responds in delight, and then we are told:

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Gen 2:24

This small verse says a great deal. It alludes to a promise or covenant that a man and woman make to each other for a lifetime commitment. During the marriage service, couples make promises to one another to last until they are separated by death. They will stick with each other through all times - not only when they are young and filled with energy, beauty and vigour, but through times of sadness, tears, aging, wrinkles, and ill health.

2. Your marriage is your primary human commitment

In leaving their parents, both husband and wife are making a new family that becomes their first priority. Parents and in-laws are not to call the shots in the relationship. And if God gives the blessing of children, Mum’s and Dad’s must ensure that time and energy goes into the marriage, not just the children.

3. Marriage is a relationship of deep intimacy

In “becoming one flesh” the author is referring not only to the sexual union of their relationship, but also describes a relationship of deep intimacy and acceptance of each other. Listen to these words: “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” (Genesis 2:25)

It is hard to stand in front of someone totally naked and not feel like covering up. But God wants a marriage to be a place where both the wife and husband feel totally loved and accepted and cherished by the other - it is a “safe haven” where they are there for each other until parted by death.

4. The quality of the marriage depends upon the character of its participants

Marriages are much more likely to last when a husband and wife pay attention to their own character. There are some wonderful examples of godly and honourable marriages in the bible such as Ruth and Boaz, Abraham and Sarah, Mary and Joseph, Aquila and Priscilla. In each, both the husband and wife were people who feared and loved the Lord and this manifested itself in their behaviour towards each other.

• Husbands
Husbands are encouraged to love their wives as Christ loved the church and as they love themselves (Eph 5:25, 28 & 33). This exhortation requires a man who is prepared to put the interests and needs of his wife before his own. He is a man who provides materially for his wife and is concerned about her spiritual wellbeing. This is a big challenge, to love in the same way as Jesus loves. Husbands are not told to rule over their wives or to treat them as inferior to them. It is a clear and direct command to love.

• Wives
Wives are encouraged to submit to their husbands. This is something that our world reacts to as archaic and wrong. But the Bible provides this ordering of relationship to enable a way forward if a couple cannot come to mutual agreement on a matter. Submission will be seen in a woman’s attitude towards her husband – how she thinks about him, talks about him, speaks to him and behaves towards him. Her behaviour is to be characterised by respect for him.

In 1 Peter 3, there is a description of a believing Christian wife, winning over her non-believing husband with her behaviour. Her purity and reverence are such that the husband feels drawn to her gentle and quiet spirit. There are other allusions to this in the book of Proverbs: “a wife of noble character is her husband’s crown”. This woman is not a doormat.

Consider the woman portrayed in Proverbs 31. She is a woman who brings her husband good not harm, all the days of her life. This woman is a shrewd business woman, she works outside the home, runs her household efficiently, is hospitable and generous to the poor and above all, she is a woman who fears the lord. This is quite a woman!

However, this woman is not a nag – “a quarrelsome wife is like a dripping tap” (Proverbs 19:13). A godly wife, is one who knows how to start difficult conversations with her husband. A wife is usually the one who notices the problems in a relationship. But a godly wife knows that “a gentle answer turns away wrath, and a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) and “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” (Proverbs 16:24). Knowing when and how to start conversations are qualities inherent in a godly wife.

5. God wants your marriage to have a lasting legacy

Finally, Christian marriages are ones with a kingdom focus. They recognise that their goal in life is not just to have a good life, to eat, drink and be merry, but rather, they see that they have a part in shaping future generations. Consider the marriage of Ruth and Boaz, described in the book of Ruth. Both were people who loved and feared the Lord, were of honourable and godly character. Their offspring are part of a lineage leading firstly to king David and eventually to the birth of Jesus. What a significant legacy they left! Couples such as Ruth and Boaz, Abraham and Sarah, Mary and Joseph, Priscilla and Aquila lived lives characterised by a love for their God and a desire for the kingdom of God to spread and grow. A healthy marriage will not be self-centred but will strengthen the ability of both partners to serve God faithfully.

6. Conclusion

There is much in the bible to challenge couples in their marriage. For couples who are just married, you have made a significant promise to each other, to love and cherish each other for life. It is a relationship worth nurturing and cultivating.

Celebrating fifty years of marriage

Keith's parents recently celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary. What an achievement! They have poured their lives and love into their six children and their sixteen grandchildren. We held a dinner to celebrate the event and Phil got one of their wedding photo's enlarged and framed. He also put their wedding photos into a new and beautiful album. Alan made a moving speech and we were all in tears.

I have had cause to reflect this week about marriage, promises and commitment. When a marriage disintegrates and ends, it is felt endlessly by many many people - the family, friends and others. A strong, healthy and happy marriage leaves a lasting legacy that is hard to quantify, but it is significant. All of us on the Condie Family have benefited from Alan and May's marriage.