Priorities of a wise Mum 10

Couple with seven children in front of their cottage with bark roof, Hill End, 1871-1875 / American & Australasian Photographic Company, originally uploaded by State Library of New South Wales collection.


I don't have seven children and I certainly don't live in a home that resembles this.  Imagine doing all of life in a space like this - with seven children!  Especially when the weather is wet day after day - it makes me understand where the expression "cabin fever" might have derived its meaning.
Last night I was listening to two women speak about their lives overseas.  One lives in Paris, the other in Florence and both have four children.  How does that sound?  Wouldn't their lives be wonderful living in such culturally rich places?  What a difference to the above photo where this Mum lived in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by mud.  However, both these women have lived in very small apartments and the weather for most of the year in that part of the world is cold and wet.  I am sure they both regularly experience cabin fever.  Both women shared how in the midst of wet weather, they would dress their children up in wet and warm weather gear and get out to let off steam.
I remember a holiday from years ago when I was a child, we were at a beach house, us and another family and we had had a week of cold,wet weather.  One morning after breakfast, my mother told us to dress in our swimmers, with rain jackets and go to the beach and entertain ourselves.  She didn't want to see us again until lunch time.  Cabin fever.  She had probably had enough of scritching and scratching, and noisy children.  It is only now, years later that I finally understand her behaviour.

One of my favourite childrens picture books is called Five Minutes Peace by Jill Murphy.  It is about the Large family, and Mrs Larges attempt to find five minutes peace from her children, by shutting herself in the bathroom and having a hot bath.  Her peace lasts for three minutes and forty five seconds.
A wise Mum understands the reality of cabin fever and has developed strategies to cope when cabin fever hits.  I liked what my friends from Europe did - they headed outdoors to allow their children to let off steam.  I am sure this was my Mother's intention all those years ago.  Having lived most of my life with small children in smallish inner city houses, this was one of my coping strategies - we had a dose of the park - daily.
Last week I spent the morning with a group of young Mums from my church - they meet every week for bible study and prayer and general support.  Most of them looked tired - a couple had faced a major tantrum with their child before breakfast, some had tiny babies and had been woken during the night for feeding, several were fighting colds while for others, it had been an effort to get there at all.  On reflection, I think some of these women have cabin fever and need five minutes peace from life.
This is where good friends can be balm - letting a friend or relative look after your children so that you can have a break and collect your thoughts, your brain, your energy, your self-respect and integrity.  If you feel slightly feverish and cooped up, can I encourage you to ask someone for help -  if they could look after your children, even for an hour, just so you can have some space.
Getting out and time out are helpful, however, there is another coping strategy that we are good at forgetting.
For the last ten days I have been immersing myself in Psalm 62 and soaking the riches its words contain.  It is a beautiful Psalm, filled with the image that our God is a rock, a fortress, our salvation, our hope and our refuge.  Reading it, I get the sense that David, who wrote the Psalm is almost reminding himself that his soul can find rest in God.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation;  he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.  My salvation and my honour depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.  Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.  Psalm 62:5-8

I love the idea that we can pour our hearts out to God - any time and that He is there as a refuge.  When cabin fever hits - we can take refuge by turning to God and telling him how we feel - He will cope with this.  Even finding a space on your own, open your bible and reading this Psalm and praying will help you survive cabin fever.  Try it.

Priorities of a wise Mum 9

caterpillar to butterfly by jungle mama.  Photo found on flickr.
What an exquisite photo!  I have always loved butterflies.  I love the life cycle of the butterfly, which is one reason why I adore the story of the very hungry caterpillar by Eric Carle.  This rather dull and tiny caterpillar pops out of an egg and  begins to eat and eat and eat until he becomes one very fat caterpillar.  After putting himself into a cocoon he emerges completely transformed into a beautiful butterfly.  I remember becoming a Christian and feeling a bit like that caterpillar - I emerged a new and unique creature.  It was a miracle of sorts - just as every time a butterfly emerges from that cocoon - it is a reminder of the beginnings of new life.  Life as a butterfly...life as a Christian...how do we continue living life as if we are that beautiful butterfly?

...since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." Colossians 3:9-10

Isn't that new self a beautiful creature in contrast to the old?  How is it possible to develop and cultivate this new self?  A wise Mum, indeed any wise Christian woman will know that this is a good thing to work on.  And yet, Mums with babies and small children will probably struggle with this. Most of the time we don't feel like a butterfly, let alone a beautiful butterfly.
Are you familiar with the story of Mary and Martha.  For years, I identified strongly with Martha.  Why did Mary get commended?  It was Martha who was bustling around getting food ready, cleaning up and  doing the chores while Mary simply sat.  But she wasn't simply sitting, she was seated at the feet of her Lord - Jesus - and she listened to his words.  Jesus simply told Martha that Mary "had chosen what was better." (Luke 10:38-42).
Good, better, best.  In life we will often have to make choices on how we spend our time and a wise Mum knows the value of turning towards Jesus and doing this regularly day after day - not just when she feels inclined.
After children arrive, it is hard to have long uninterrupted blocks of time to read the bible, listen to a sermon on an ipod or spend time praying.  We can set the bar too high and in the process we turn away from our Lord.  It is easy to fill our day with distractions.  There is always something that needs doing, seeing to, fixing or just our time and energy.
Some practical suggestions:

• Think about your daily routine and work out a time that might be a "doable" time.  Are you an early morning person?  Are you a night owl?  What are your children's routines?  Do they have a sleep or rest time?  Decide on a time and see if you can commit to it each week day.  Start with just 5-10 minutes - even five minutes most week days is better than no minutes a day.  If we are women who regularly set time aside to be with our Lord - God will use His word to change us and make us more Christlike.  God uses His word to nourish our souls and to feed our hearts and minds.  If we don't read it, we will gradually starve and stop looking like that butterfly. If this seems all too hard, don't berate yourself or be too hard on yourself.  Sometimes life can be hard and just to get through each day is enough.  However, it is something that is of immense help and encouragement if and when it happens.

• Don't give up the habit of meeting with God's people.  With small children and busy lives, it is tempting to use Sunday morning as the catch up morning to sleep in, to be slow and to have five minutes peace.  Or, do you belong to a bible study group?  Don't stop going.  Don't let children's sleep routines distract from time with God's people, listening to His word being read and spoken about, spending time with His people praying for each other and encouraging each other.  I love this exhortation:

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.  And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.  Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching."  Hebrews 10:24-25 

Good, better and best.  We will constantly have to choose how to spend our time. Don't you want to keep being like that butterfly?

Priorities of a wise Mum 7

Seasons of Life.jpg, originally uploaded by mbmc2122.
I have not written a blog post for a while for a number of reasons, but one concerns the seasonal nature of life.  Life has its seasons and a wise Mum understands this reality.  Living in Sydney, we don't really get to taste the four seasons of the year - it seems to move from summer to winter without much autumn.  I have a confused flowering plum tree in my garden who often thinks that autumn is the time to blossom and then it is flowering again in September.  But Ecclessiastes 3 looks at life in this way:  "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.  A time to be born and a time to die, .. a time to weep and a time to laugh..." 
If you are a mother of small children and babies, it is worth reminding yourself daily that this is a season and that it will pass.  I have three children who no longer demand to be read to, sung to, cuddled, nor do they throw totally irrational tantrums while out - they have passed that stage.  

Two weeks ago, I was plunged back into this season while looking after my nephew and niece.  Their  "stay at home dad" was having surgery and their Mum works full time.  I looked after them for four days and came home exhausted.  What did I do during this time?  I survived.  I tried to keep two children happy, fed, watered and safe and it was full on.  I didn't have much energy left to do anything else.  Jaden has down syndrome and is aged four, but he is reaching his normal milestones slowly.  Talia is 18 months old, but in many ways is easier to care for than her older brother.  
I took Jaden to his early intervention program and then had to work out the logistics of removing two children from a car in a car park and walking them safely to the playground.  We visited a number of parks, with no gates, right beside Lake Macquarie.  Sometimes they both decided to run - in opposite directions - one towards the road, the other towards the water.  I didn't attempt a shopping trip with the two of them.  We had mini picnics sitting in the sunshine, we read numerous books, we sang endless songs, we giggled together, I changed nappies from wriggling bodies and I cuddled them through furious tantrums, I put them to bed and hoped they would sleep.  I was in bed at 8.30 every night - even the lure of "PS I love You" on television was not enough to tempt me to stay up - I needed to sleep.
This season of life is physically exhausting and if you are a mother with children of this age, let me tell you - it is hard work!  You do this stuff day in and day out relentlessly, and it must seem unending.  But.... it passes, that is if you stop having babies.
It is easy to focus on the negatives of this season of life and yes, they are there, but there are many special joys - I love spending time at parks in the sunshine - this is not something I do any more.  I love reading children's picture books - surprisingly, I no longer have children who clamour for another story.  I love singing songs with children but today, my children never ask me to sing with them - they would probably die of embarrassment if I burst out into song.  Each morning these children would greet me with the biggest smiles and the biggest cuddles - that was so lovely.  Yes, it was an early start, but their happiness was infectious.
A girl in my bible study group is about to give birth to her first child.  She told me that she is not worried about being a Mum to a baby, but she is worried about being a Mum to a teenager.  But we sow the seeds of what our children will be like as teenagers when they are small.  If you are a wise Mum, you are able to focus on the season you are in with its good parts and not so good parts and know in your mind that it will pass and a new season will begin - all in good time.
The year that I had a son start High School, my other son was doing his HSC was when I had a mild stroke.  Not exactly a good time to go out of action as a mother.  Looking back, I am certain that part of us surviving as a family during that year was from the time I had invested in my children when they were small.  They were full on, but that was pretty much my life and all I did.  If you are finding this season hard, the answer is not to distract yourself with other stuff or long for when your children are older.  The best thing to do is to commit your angst, your frustrations, your tiredness to the Lord and ask Him to lift you, to energise you and to be content with this particular season.

But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my saviour; my God will hear me.  Micah 7:7

Priorities of a wise Mum 6

Ice cased Adelie penguins after a blizzard at Cape Denison / photograph by Frank Hurley, originally uploaded by State Library of New South Wales collection.
I love this photo for many reasons, but it seems to fit with what I want to say about a wise Mum and communication.  A wise Mum knows that listening to her children matters - even when they say things that we don't want to hear.  This is a picture of a penguin who is moulting and losing its baby feathers.  I am wondering what this penguin is trying to communicate - he looks like he is covered in ice and is freezing cold - but perhaps he is flapping his wings - excited that he is finally growing up.  I can't answer this question.
Our children will repeatedly say things that we will not want to hear.  I can recall countless examples from my own life.  Take for example the time when my oldest child Michael was not yet three.  Even then, he was articulate and good at arguing his case.  I was walking to bible study with my one year old in the pram and he was walking beside me.  He told me very clearly and loudly that he didn't want to go to creche.  I told him that he had to go, that he would have a lovely time playing with the other children.  He then said that he was too shy to go to creche and this was why he didn't want to go.  I then engaged in a long conversation with him about why he was not a shy boy, but a very friendly happy boy.  I failed to listen to him on that day and I have failed to listen to him on other occasions.  What was he trying to tell me?  Simply that he didn't want to go to creche and if I had bothered to scoop him into my arms and ask him more, he would have told me that he just wanted to be with me and stay at home.  At the time, I was more concerned with my own agenda - namely to have a time of adult conversation, bible study and a break from my children.
Listening to our children is important.  If we can't listen to them when they are little and take what they say seriously, how can we expect them to grow up into teenagers who will tell us how they are feeling?  I am not saying we will agree with what they say, but they need to know that they have been heard and understood.  It is not always easy to hear what our children have to say.  It might be inconvenient, difficult, or you feel like you have heard this before and are totally over this particular conversation.   
There are two proverbs that I think wise Mums ought to memorise and ponder:

• "He who answers before listening - that is his folly and his shame."  Proverbs 18:13
• "Do you see a man who speaks in haste?  There is more hope for a fool than for him." Proverbs 29:20

Let me share a perpetual conversation that I have had with my third child for over thirteen years.    Johnny would tell me that he didn't want to go to pre-school or school.  I would respond with "so you don't want to go - can you tell me what you would like to do?"  He would then tell me that he would love to stay at home and just potter around at home.  I would then say how this sounded like a lovely way to spend a day.  How, I would love to have a quiet day at home too.  After spending a bit of time dreaming with him about what he would like to do,  much to my amazement, he has always happily gone to school. He never made a fuss, threw a tantrum or anything. And the conversation would have  lasted five minutes max.   It was as though, all he wanted was to tell me how he was feeling, and having done that, he was ready to face his day.  I still have this exact same conversation with Johnny and he is almost seventeen.  

There is something about listening to our child, taking what they say seriously that is soothing and helpful to them. There is another Proverb that is challenging:

• "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" Proverbs 15:1
• "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."  Proverbs 16:24

In the interaction I had with Michael, I responded harshly and I certainly did not help the situation.  He went to creche unhappy, misunderstood and probably feeling unloved.  In the interactions I have had with Johnny, I was able to sooth and help him face his day.  

If we can't listen to our children when they are little, we will not magically be able to listen to them when they hit those teenage years and believe me, there will be times when they will say things that we will not want to hear.  But I want to be a Mum who is there for my children - be their biggest fans and supporters - I love them and I show them I love them by listening to them.

A very helpful book on listening to our children is "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  I have also stumbled across a blog written by a New Zealand  Mum who is very wise.  She talks about listening to our children also in her posts.  Check it out:  this week with the kids.  Cathy is a wise Mum.  Finally, I have made a card for those of you who would like to become a mother who listens well.  It is always a "work in progress".  

http://www.flickr.com/photos/9788687@N03/4558957043/

Priorities of a wise Mum 5

This is a picture of Alexander on the morning of his terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  From the moment he wakes up everything seems to go wrong.  This timeless picture book called Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst is one of my favourite stories. We are all going to have good days, not so good days and bad days and sometimes, very bad days. It seems to me this is just a part of life.
 It is a part of the pattern of life described by the writer of Ecclesiastes.  "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance"  Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4.  We could add a verse of our own "A time for good days when everything goes our way and a time for bad days when everything seems to go badly wrong."   The Mum in this particular story is a wise Mum.  She does not rescue Alexander from this particular terrible, horrible no good very bad day, but lets him deal with it.  She doesn't promise to buy him a new box of cereal when he discovers that his cereal is the only box of cereal with no toy, nor does she apologise for forgetting to put dessert in his lunch box, and even at the end of the day, she doesn't tell Alexander that he can wear his favourite pyjamas because he has had a bad day.  Alexander's mother responds quite simply to his plea that it has been a terrible horrible no good very bad day by saying "some days are like that".

From a very young age, we can be teaching our children how to deal with life when things don't go our way.  We don't have to make our children feel better, nor do we need to rescue them.  We can encourage them to express how they feel about a situation by listening to them and allowing them to have a "little rant", but this is all we need to do.
This book was a great favourite in our family.  Our children regularly took this book to bed with them -  Perhaps they could identify with Alexander's day.  I certainly could.  For me there was a freedom and permission to have a bad day and openly label it a bad day.  Surely we all have days that don't seem to go so well.  We had a little conversation that centred around the truth of this book:
"How was your day?  I had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" and the other would respond "That's no good, it's not nice to have a day like that is it? ... but then, some days are like that  - aren't they?"
What I particularly like about this book, is that Alexander reaches the conclusion that perhaps his mother is right - that some days are bad days - even in Australia.  We have the American version of this book, which always made us laugh, as Alexander plans to move to Australia, which to him is on the other side of the world.  The Australian version uses Timbucktoo.
There is nothing wrong with verbalising how we are feeling about life when bad things happen - Alexander does this openly and his mother lets him.  She even has the audacity to serve him lima beans for dinner, knowing full well that he hates lima beans - again, she doesn't offer an alternative.  At the end of the book, we leave Alexander sound asleep at the end of his terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.  He manages to self sooth, or use his own thoughts to make sense of his day.  This is the challenge for Mums - to equip our children to deal with the blows of life and I like the example set by Alexander's Mother.
Psalm 13 provides us with another picture of someone having a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.  David is obviously feeling completely overwhelmed and swamped:

How long, O Lord?  Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?  How long will my enemy triumph over me?  Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.  Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him, and my foes will rejoice when I fall." vv 1-4

 David ends his outburst by reminding himself of things he knows to be true about God:

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.  vv 5-6

 David is an adult and he models here a way of dealing with despair and a difficult season in life that is wise and godly.  We can begin helping our children deal with the disappointments, frustrations, hurts and sadnesses that will inevitably come their way.  I would like to write a version of this Psalm for children.

Priorities of a wise Mum 4

Amelia's supersonic ear, originally uploaded by awmogul.


I was waiting for someone to point out to me that I had omitted something from my last post.  There is a fourth way we can show our children that we love them and this is with the words we speak to them.  A wise Mum knows that her child has supersonic ears and will hear any and every conversation involving them.  The doors might be closed, your house might have thick walls, but somehow, they seem to be able to hear these conversations.  Don't get me wrong, they don't seem to hear with the same sensitivity when we ask them to do a task or run an errand - it is like they have "selective supersonic hearing".
Ross Campbell in his book "How to Really Love Your Child" explains how our words can be used to show our children our love for them.  It is more than saying to our children "I love you".  It is how you speak about them.  There are two Proverbs that seem to express the power of our words very clearly:

• "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."  Proverbs 16:24
• "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."  Proverbs 12:18

The words we use to speak about our children can build them up, encourage them, nurture them and make them feel ok about themselves.  However they can also crush them, hurt them and leave them feeling inadequate and unloved.  There have been times in my life as a mother, when I have had to work very hard at curbing the words I spoke about my children when they were in hearing distance.  It might have been over a coffee with a good friend while our children played, at a park with a group of other Mums or when my husband returned home at the end of the day.  Sometimes, my children had driven me wild, and I couldn't think of anything positive to say about them.  This is the time to shut up.

I had to consciously think, ok what is something positive or good that I can say about my child that has happened today - not always easy - and say that and leave my rant for later, behind closed doors and in a soundproof room.

Priorities of a wise Mum 3

Two of my favourite picture books that I read constantly to my children are called Love you Forever by Robert Munsch and The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown.  I loved them for a truth they communicated about how much a mother loves her child.  In the Runaway Bunny, the little bunny wanted to run away, but his mother told him she would run after him because "you are my little bunny".  Love you forever expresses the love a mother has for her child from birth to old age. It is rather sentimental and usually brings a tear to my eye, but there is a little verse that expresses a deep truth that a wise Mum wants to communicate to her child:  "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

How do we show our children that we love them?   And I mean unconditionally love them? Do they feel loved only when they have pleased us?  When they have been good?    Do we love our children in the same manner that God loves us?  Unconditionally.  Without reservation.
To be perfectly honest, this is one of the hardest jobs I have ever been asked to do.  I think it would be easier to go bungy jumping and sky diving than to love my children in the same manner that God loves me.  If unconditional love was not modelled to us as a child, then it is even more difficult.  It is easy to leave our home, go to bible study, church or play group and put on a bright friendly smile, race around like a headless chook and come home totally exhausted to our children who we have no reserves left to deal with at all.  Our children need more than us telling them with words that we love them and apologies for our tiredness and grumpiness - yet again.
I am always challenged by how much God loves me:  "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called the children of God!"  1 John 3:1 or look at Psalm 103 in which the love of God for his people is expressed very clearly.  This is who we need to model ourselves on and pray that God will fill us with love for our children day in and day out.
If you are struggling with loving your children, take time to remind yourself of God's deep and unconditional love for you by pondering the words of this Psalm.
In Paul's letters to the Corinthians, he says something to his readers that is rather interesting.  He is clearly frustrated by their behaviour and is strongly rebuking them and he then says:  "What do you prefer?  Shall I come to you with a whip, or in love and with a gentle spirit?"  (I Cor 4:21.) Our children are children and by definition will behave childishly, irritatingly and annoyingly - constantly and the challenge is to not meet it with aggression, anger and harshness but with love and a gentle spirit.  I don't know about you, but I find this a hard call.
One of the wisest parenting gurus I know is Ross Campbell and he has written a number of books that explain in practical ways how to love our children with unconditional love.  I was given a copy of his book "How to really love your child" when Michael was four weeks old.  It is short and easy to read and I read it in one sitting and then returned to the beginning and read it more slowly.  Amazingly, it provided me with the tools and strategies to show my child - a tiny baby that I loved him, and amazingly, he is now almost 22 and it still provides me with the tools and strategies to show him, now a fine young man that I love him.
There are three ways we can demonstrate to our children that they are loved.  We can use eye contact - looking directly into our children's eyes - and not just when we are cross with them, physical contact - which will vary depending on age - cuddles, hand on shoulder, ruffled hair, back massage, and focussed attention - time alone with each child in which you do something just with them and you give them your undivided attention - your mobile phone is switched off, you are not giving them continual partial attention but your full attention.  Doing these things regularly with each of our children fills their emotional tanks and communicates that we love them.  I have made a new postcard based on Psalm 103.

You can follow the link to download and print and put it somewhere to remind yourself that our God is a God of love.  A wise Mum is one who approaches her children with this same love and a gentle spirit.

Priorities of a wise Mum 2

Priorities of a wise Mum 1

Florence Austral at home, Newcastle, NSW, 10 March 1953 / Sam Hood, originally uploaded by State Library of New South Wales collection.
I love this photo from the State Library of NSW - I have no idea whether Florence Austral was a mother as well as being a famous singer, but this photo depicts a thoroughly domestic scene - she is making marmalade and behind her is her teapot and cups and saucers.  I have not made marmalade that often, but when I do, I look flustered and dishevelled and my entire kitchen would look like a bomb had hit it.
A number of years ago, I was asked to speak to a group of Mums on the topic "priorities of a wise Mum".  I was searching through my black hole of a filing cabinet looking for something else and found it buried amongst some other papers.  I know that some of you who read this blog are Mums and have found previous posts helpful, so I thought I would share this talk with you over the next few weeks.  I like thinking about things slowly and mull them around in my head - so I will share a new bit every week, to give you a chance to reflect on it.
Before you became a Mum, what did you think or imagine you would be like as a mother.  Were there qualities you thought you would like to have or things you imagined yourself doing?  
Before I became a Mum, I imagined that I would be a calm and serene mother.  I thought that I would be a perfect mother in every way - have wonderful relationships with my children, that I would have perfect children, that I would have a perfect marriage.  I didn't think I would be working in paid employment.  I imagined that each day I would cook choc chip cookies or blueberry muffins and my children would come home from school to the aroma of these freshly baked goodies and we would sit around the table and chat peacefully about our day.
This picture couldn't be further from the reality of my life if I tried.  I discovered that I am a far from perfect mother, I have far from perfect children and my marriage is certainly not perfect.  Most days, I could tell myself that I am a complete failure.
On reaching this dismal realisation, I started to ask the question - what does God expect of me as a Mum, as a Christian Mum?  Each of you could ask the same question.  What does God expect or demand of you as mothers - as Christian mothers?  
After much thought, I came up with a few ideas of what could characterise or lives as Christian mothers.

1. A wise Mum trusts in God

It is so easy to be anxious about our children.  We can fill our minds with much fret - will they succeed academically?  with they be liked by others and make friends?  Will they hold onto the Christian faith?  Will they develop qualities of gentleness, kindness and goodness?  Will they go to sleep tonight and stay asleep and not awaken with a bad dream?  Will they ever stop driving me crazy?  Can we trust God with all these anxious thoughts?
A wise Mum is able to silence these silence these anxious thoughts. and have a deep firm trust in her God.  She reminds herself constantly that God is sovereign and totally trustworthy.  

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:5-6

The wise woman trusts God.  We have a wonderful picture of a wise woman in the book of Proverbs.  Most of you will be familiar with the Proverbs 31 woman.  This woman is a wife and a mother.  She is the epitome of a wise woman.  The quality she is most praised for is that she is a woman who "fears the Lord".  Why does she fear Him?  Because she knows that He is the sovereign God and completely in control of all that happens in life.  She lives her life as if this is a reality.

 A prayer:

 Loving heavenly Father, thank you for the privilege of being a mother.  Thank you for my children.  I want to thank you that you are my sovereign God and that you are totally trustworthy - I can entrust my children to your tender and loving care.  There are so many things that I want to fix and control, but I can't.  I commit my heart to you and ask that you will help me be a Mum who simply trusts you. Thank you that you are always with me, and that you are always with my children.  Even when I feel like I have nothing to give my children, I know that you are the strength of my heart and my portion forever - I cast myself into your hands, knowing that you are holding me by my right hand and that you guide me with your counsel and that afterwards you will take me into glory.  Amen.  (from Psalm 73:23-26.)

On being a counter-cultural mother

I found Nicole’s response to my earlier post thoughtful, honest and challenging.  In many ways, I am not sure how to respond.  

http://www.flickr.com/photos/9788687@N03/2601646999/in/set-72157601962393975/


The first thing I would say is, it is worth reminding ourselves daily, or maybe even hourly that we are not alone – we have a Father who walks with us and holds us by our right hand and that he loves our children even more than we do.  Perhaps write out a verse such as Psalm 73:23-26 or Proverbs 3:5-6 and read them every morning before you greet your children.  And we can trust this God!  He will use us, despite our sinfulness, despite our weaknesses and despite our fallen world.  (If you follow the above link, it will take you to this postcard and you could print these verses out.)

I thought I would also suggest some very simple ways that mothers can be counter-culturally different:

1.    Greet each of your children each morning with a smile, a hug and a kiss.  Find out what is big for them that day – how do they feel about going to school, pre-school, whatever it is – what is in their heads about their day?

2.    End each day saying good night to your children – give them a big hug, a kiss, tell them you love them, while you gaze into their eyes.

3.    Have a family night each week – perhaps a fun dinner that everyone enjoys, and then together play cards, a board game, watch a dvd – something that you all enjoy as a family.  This might be the night you have fish and chips and ice cream – if that is what your children enjoy.

4.    Think of something positive to say to each of your children every day that communicates your fondness and admiration for them.

5.    Have a “connect conversation” with each of your children in which you listen to them.  If they tell you they are tired, or angry don’t respond by saying that they couldn’t possibly be feeling tired, or that anger is not a good thing to feel.  Let them tell you how they are really feeling, so that at the end of the conversation, they feel like you have really listened to them.

You can start doing all these things with toddlers and pre-schoolers.  If your children grow up knowing that you listen to them, they are more likely to tell you about things when they hit their 'tweens and teenage years.  You can cultivate an environment in which you can talk to their child about their choice of clothes, their behaviour, their friends.  It is from that basis, that you can challenge them and get them to think through decisions they are making.


You will be modelling behaviour to your children that speaks more loudly than a thousand spoken words or lectures or rants. Each of the above communicates love and care.  If you have lots of children, this might be a rather overwhelming list, but they don’t have to be big conversations. 

You will notice that I have said nothing about bible reading, devotions or prayers.  Doing these things with our children is extremely important, but I wonder if we do them at the expense of taking the time to listen to our children.

If your response to this list is that you don’t have time to do any of these things, then you and/or your children are too busy.  Look at what is happening in your daily and weekly routine.  If your children are at school, what activities do they have after school?  Do you all get home at the end of an afternoon and collapse in a heap?  A rule of thumb I had with my children was one musical instrument and one sport.  My daughter wanted to do gymnastics, which involved three afternoons and Saturdays and I said no.  She might still be sad about this decision, but I knew I couldn’t cope with the driving involved in making that happen. My children’s favourite afternoons were those when they simply “came home”.  So we did a lot of this.


What do you think?

Girls and caring adults

This morning I read Nicole's blog posting the disappearance of caring adults and felt compelled to respond, and thought I would on my own blog. Nicole poses the question "what do you think we can do as Christians to be counter-cultural in this area? How can we make ourselves more available to our children, and other people's children?" and I would like to respond that most young Christian Mum's I know are counter-cultural in the way they are raising their girls - they are thoughtful, Godly, wise and seek to do the best job they can in raising their daughters.  Keep doing what you are doing.


When I think about raising my own daughter, who is almost 20, I am exceedingly thankful for the caring adults who surrounded her. She had wonderful grandparents who regularly had her to stay overnight, wonderful aunts and uncles who spent time with her and family friends - from our church and from different networks.  I belonged to a weekly bible study group called "Friday Morning Group" and this group was a place that nurtured and cared for Mums and children.  Our children grew up together.  Different Mums would take Susannah to sport, music - we shared the driving, we regularly had each other's children over to play, for a sleep over, for lunch.  I don't think any of us intentionally worried about how our children would turn out, we simply did the best job we could at that time.  We chatted with them, cooked with them, had fun with them and celebrated together through milestones passed.  There were also times of tears, disappointment and sadness, but again, it was shared.


I used to meet up with a friend regularly to pray for our daughters and together we shared those times when our tempers were fraught.  I have another couple of friends who I shared deeply and openly with about different issues that arose - each time, knowing that my thoughts would go no further.  I would get encouragement, simply by sharing that it was ok, I could trust God with my precious daughter, that God would use me, despite my sinfulness and that He was Susannah's Father, not her grandfather!


I remember the wise words of a friend who said that it takes a village to raise a child and how true that is.  When our children reach adolescence, they need time with other adults who don't see only their bad points.  


My observations of many young Mums today is that they are fearful.  They are scared of screwing it up, that their daughter will abandon their faith, that their daughter will behave in inappropriate ways, dress inappropriately, speak inappropriately and develop disastrous friendships.  They are fearful that the world will corrupt their daughters.  When such Mums read comments such as those made by Steve Biddulph, and books such as Getting Real it raises all those fears to the fore.  "How can I stop this from happening to my own daughter?"  Sometimes I wonder whether they worry too much and don't see that they are already living and modelling healthy patterns of behaving and that their daughters will be ok.


Thinking about this today, I have realised that Psalm 37 speaks to us Mums quite personally.  I have been reading and thinking about this Psalm for over a year now, but it speaks just as clearly to me today, as it did over a year ago. In the first few verses, the writer encourages his readers not to fret.  Why were they fretting or filled with angst?  Because of the evil and wickedness of the world and how it looks like it is such people who are thriving.  What do Mums fret about? perhaps that their daughters will be swallowed up by the world and that the evil in this world will dominate and win them over.


Let me quote from Psalm 37:


"Do not fret because of evil men
       or be envious of those who do wrong;
  for like the grass they will soon wither,
       like green plants they will soon die away.
  Trust in the LORD and do good;
       dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
  Delight yourself in the LORD
       and he will give you the desires of your heart.
  Commit your way to the LORD;
       trust in him and he will do this:
  He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
       the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
  Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
       do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
       when they carry out their wicked schemes.
  Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
       do not fret—it leads only to evil.
  For evil men will be cut off,
       but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land."  verses 1-9


It is quite a long Psalm, but the main thrust is for the reader to trust in the Lord.  A few verses on:



"If the LORD delights in a man's way,
       he makes his steps firm;
  though he stumble, he will not fall,
       for the LORD upholds him with his hand.
  I was young and now I am old,
       yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
       or their children begging bread.
  They are always generous and lend freely;
       their children will be blessed."


There is a beautiful image here - if we as Mums are living life delighting in the Lord, that He will look after us and not abandon us or our children.  


Don't fret, trust God.  He will forgive us when we screw up as mothers and we turn to Him in repentance and He will not let us or our children fall.


I was not the perfect mother, and I am sure I did many things wrong.  I am sure that my children would rattle off a list of things that I did wrong.   But I can trust God and I can delight in Him day by day and encourage my daughter and the girls who spend time in my care to delight in the Lord.  As I look at Susannah today, I thank God for the young woman she is becoming.  God has held her firmly in the palm of his hand, and she bears testament to the influence of many other women on her - certainly not just mine.  She is now spending time with younger girls - leading a youth group, teaching Sunday School and I can see that she is becoming one of those caring adults that Steve Biddulph is encouraging each of us to be for our children.

Cherishing moments - mothers and daughters

My Mother, originally uploaded by or more, see www.CommonTies.com


I love this picture of a mother with her daughter. Despite her obvious grief, she still is able to reach out with love to her daughter and take the time and energy to read to her - even a boring book about books and minerals. Her mind was probably elsewhere, but her arms were wrapped around her.

It reminds me of the hours I spent reading to my children when they were small. We shared such special times and memories together in this way. My daughter has been away for almost a month and I have missed her so much and can't wait to see her again.

This morning while waiting in a checkout queue at the supermarket, I struck up a conversation with the woman behind me. She was much older than me and was complaining about the fact there were only three check outs open and that we had to queue. She told me she was going to "wet her pants". I felt like laughing, as it reminded me of times that I had had to leave the shops clutching a desperate child in need of a loo.

After conversing a little more, she told me I had enough to feed an army in my trolley. I told her that my daughter was returning home after a month away this Thursday and that I couldn't wait to see her.

She said " that is so lovely - enjoy them while you have them - it doesn't last long and then they are gone." She then said "My daughter has left me - but she is up in heaven watching over me."

I responded "I am so sorry to hear - how sad for you to lose your daughter."

"She was only 47 (my age) you don't expect your children to die before you - she was so terribly ill, poor girl! But she is with her Father, and is waiting for me to join her. But, I am in no hurry!"

I could only respond by saying how sad this was and that she must miss her daughter so much. She continued "I have a son and he is so good to me ... but its not the same as a daughter, she was so special... it was two years ago, but you never get over something like this."

I felt privileged to share this memory with this woman about her daughter and also incredibly sad and felt the grief that she was feeling - and was living daily. A timely and salutary reminder of the blessing my children are and to daily thank God for them, their health, vitality and life.