Priorities of a wise Mum 9

caterpillar to butterfly by jungle mama.  Photo found on flickr.
What an exquisite photo!  I have always loved butterflies.  I love the life cycle of the butterfly, which is one reason why I adore the story of the very hungry caterpillar by Eric Carle.  This rather dull and tiny caterpillar pops out of an egg and  begins to eat and eat and eat until he becomes one very fat caterpillar.  After putting himself into a cocoon he emerges completely transformed into a beautiful butterfly.  I remember becoming a Christian and feeling a bit like that caterpillar - I emerged a new and unique creature.  It was a miracle of sorts - just as every time a butterfly emerges from that cocoon - it is a reminder of the beginnings of new life.  Life as a butterfly...life as a Christian...how do we continue living life as if we are that beautiful butterfly?

...since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." Colossians 3:9-10

Isn't that new self a beautiful creature in contrast to the old?  How is it possible to develop and cultivate this new self?  A wise Mum, indeed any wise Christian woman will know that this is a good thing to work on.  And yet, Mums with babies and small children will probably struggle with this. Most of the time we don't feel like a butterfly, let alone a beautiful butterfly.
Are you familiar with the story of Mary and Martha.  For years, I identified strongly with Martha.  Why did Mary get commended?  It was Martha who was bustling around getting food ready, cleaning up and  doing the chores while Mary simply sat.  But she wasn't simply sitting, she was seated at the feet of her Lord - Jesus - and she listened to his words.  Jesus simply told Martha that Mary "had chosen what was better." (Luke 10:38-42).
Good, better, best.  In life we will often have to make choices on how we spend our time and a wise Mum knows the value of turning towards Jesus and doing this regularly day after day - not just when she feels inclined.
After children arrive, it is hard to have long uninterrupted blocks of time to read the bible, listen to a sermon on an ipod or spend time praying.  We can set the bar too high and in the process we turn away from our Lord.  It is easy to fill our day with distractions.  There is always something that needs doing, seeing to, fixing or just our time and energy.
Some practical suggestions:

• Think about your daily routine and work out a time that might be a "doable" time.  Are you an early morning person?  Are you a night owl?  What are your children's routines?  Do they have a sleep or rest time?  Decide on a time and see if you can commit to it each week day.  Start with just 5-10 minutes - even five minutes most week days is better than no minutes a day.  If we are women who regularly set time aside to be with our Lord - God will use His word to change us and make us more Christlike.  God uses His word to nourish our souls and to feed our hearts and minds.  If we don't read it, we will gradually starve and stop looking like that butterfly. If this seems all too hard, don't berate yourself or be too hard on yourself.  Sometimes life can be hard and just to get through each day is enough.  However, it is something that is of immense help and encouragement if and when it happens.

• Don't give up the habit of meeting with God's people.  With small children and busy lives, it is tempting to use Sunday morning as the catch up morning to sleep in, to be slow and to have five minutes peace.  Or, do you belong to a bible study group?  Don't stop going.  Don't let children's sleep routines distract from time with God's people, listening to His word being read and spoken about, spending time with His people praying for each other and encouraging each other.  I love this exhortation:

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.  And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.  Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching."  Hebrews 10:24-25 

Good, better and best.  We will constantly have to choose how to spend our time. Don't you want to keep being like that butterfly?

Priorities of a wise Mum 8

Happy Couple, originally uploaded by Just Us 3.
This is a favourite photo of mine.  If you follow the link,  you can read the story about this couple.  They call each other Dear and Honey.  They have clearly been together a long time and enjoy sharing their lives with each other.  This photo captures something beautiful about a marriage that is happy and connected.  A wise Mum recognises that her marriage is a central relationship in her life.  You won't just drift into a happy marriage.  Your children will not grow up, leave home for you to then have a deeply fulfilling and happy marriage.  If you are not investing in your marriage now, it won't be there when you reach a new season in your life.
A couple who are not emotionally connected are a couple who are unhappy and lonely.  It is quite possible to hide the extent to which the hurt and disappointment you are feeling is impacting you both,  and it can be quite a surprise to friends and church communities when a relationship breaks down.  It does not have to be that way and it does not involve making gigantic steps that seem like hard work.
The best gift you can give your children is a good marriage.  It is the best gift you can give your church community and the best gift you can give to our broader community.  When a marriage breaks down, lots of people suffer and there will be a ripple effect that continues to impact the lives of others.
If you are reading this and have three children under the age of five, this will probably be one of the most challenging times in your marriage.  It is hard work!  I remember being told this at a marriage workshop, as I sat knitting, heavily pregnant with my third child.  I heard it and then experienced it first hand.
It will usually be the wife who recognises warning signs that all is not going well in a marriage.  If you feel like there are some cracks, you can do something about it - seek the counsel of an older woman who you trust as a start - don't leave it too late or hope that magically, things will improve on their own - they won't.  Often the first step to rebuilding emotional connection is admitting that things could be better and making a decision to do something about it.
If this is not your experience, give thanks to God and continue to nurture your relationship with your husband - invest by setting aside "couple time", have fun together and show appreciation for each other.  If you love your children, invest in your marriage.
Last night in bible study, we looked at this passage from the book of Hebrews:

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."  Hebrews 4:14-16

This passage follows an earlier verse about how God sees into the very core of our beings - that everything is uncovered and laid bare before Him.  When things are not good, it is tempting to want to hide away with shame.  These verses are a strong exhortation to each of us to approach the throne of grace - at any time when we are in need.  My prayer for each of you who read this, is that you will not only hold firmly to your faith, but will also ask for help in facing your hurts, disappointments and vulnerabilities. 

Priorities of a wise Mum 7

Seasons of Life.jpg, originally uploaded by mbmc2122.
I have not written a blog post for a while for a number of reasons, but one concerns the seasonal nature of life.  Life has its seasons and a wise Mum understands this reality.  Living in Sydney, we don't really get to taste the four seasons of the year - it seems to move from summer to winter without much autumn.  I have a confused flowering plum tree in my garden who often thinks that autumn is the time to blossom and then it is flowering again in September.  But Ecclessiastes 3 looks at life in this way:  "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.  A time to be born and a time to die, .. a time to weep and a time to laugh..." 
If you are a mother of small children and babies, it is worth reminding yourself daily that this is a season and that it will pass.  I have three children who no longer demand to be read to, sung to, cuddled, nor do they throw totally irrational tantrums while out - they have passed that stage.  

Two weeks ago, I was plunged back into this season while looking after my nephew and niece.  Their  "stay at home dad" was having surgery and their Mum works full time.  I looked after them for four days and came home exhausted.  What did I do during this time?  I survived.  I tried to keep two children happy, fed, watered and safe and it was full on.  I didn't have much energy left to do anything else.  Jaden has down syndrome and is aged four, but he is reaching his normal milestones slowly.  Talia is 18 months old, but in many ways is easier to care for than her older brother.  
I took Jaden to his early intervention program and then had to work out the logistics of removing two children from a car in a car park and walking them safely to the playground.  We visited a number of parks, with no gates, right beside Lake Macquarie.  Sometimes they both decided to run - in opposite directions - one towards the road, the other towards the water.  I didn't attempt a shopping trip with the two of them.  We had mini picnics sitting in the sunshine, we read numerous books, we sang endless songs, we giggled together, I changed nappies from wriggling bodies and I cuddled them through furious tantrums, I put them to bed and hoped they would sleep.  I was in bed at 8.30 every night - even the lure of "PS I love You" on television was not enough to tempt me to stay up - I needed to sleep.
This season of life is physically exhausting and if you are a mother with children of this age, let me tell you - it is hard work!  You do this stuff day in and day out relentlessly, and it must seem unending.  But.... it passes, that is if you stop having babies.
It is easy to focus on the negatives of this season of life and yes, they are there, but there are many special joys - I love spending time at parks in the sunshine - this is not something I do any more.  I love reading children's picture books - surprisingly, I no longer have children who clamour for another story.  I love singing songs with children but today, my children never ask me to sing with them - they would probably die of embarrassment if I burst out into song.  Each morning these children would greet me with the biggest smiles and the biggest cuddles - that was so lovely.  Yes, it was an early start, but their happiness was infectious.
A girl in my bible study group is about to give birth to her first child.  She told me that she is not worried about being a Mum to a baby, but she is worried about being a Mum to a teenager.  But we sow the seeds of what our children will be like as teenagers when they are small.  If you are a wise Mum, you are able to focus on the season you are in with its good parts and not so good parts and know in your mind that it will pass and a new season will begin - all in good time.
The year that I had a son start High School, my other son was doing his HSC was when I had a mild stroke.  Not exactly a good time to go out of action as a mother.  Looking back, I am certain that part of us surviving as a family during that year was from the time I had invested in my children when they were small.  They were full on, but that was pretty much my life and all I did.  If you are finding this season hard, the answer is not to distract yourself with other stuff or long for when your children are older.  The best thing to do is to commit your angst, your frustrations, your tiredness to the Lord and ask Him to lift you, to energise you and to be content with this particular season.

But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my saviour; my God will hear me.  Micah 7:7

Priorities of a wise Mum 5

This is a picture of Alexander on the morning of his terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  From the moment he wakes up everything seems to go wrong.  This timeless picture book called Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst is one of my favourite stories. We are all going to have good days, not so good days and bad days and sometimes, very bad days. It seems to me this is just a part of life.
 It is a part of the pattern of life described by the writer of Ecclesiastes.  "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance"  Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4.  We could add a verse of our own "A time for good days when everything goes our way and a time for bad days when everything seems to go badly wrong."   The Mum in this particular story is a wise Mum.  She does not rescue Alexander from this particular terrible, horrible no good very bad day, but lets him deal with it.  She doesn't promise to buy him a new box of cereal when he discovers that his cereal is the only box of cereal with no toy, nor does she apologise for forgetting to put dessert in his lunch box, and even at the end of the day, she doesn't tell Alexander that he can wear his favourite pyjamas because he has had a bad day.  Alexander's mother responds quite simply to his plea that it has been a terrible horrible no good very bad day by saying "some days are like that".

From a very young age, we can be teaching our children how to deal with life when things don't go our way.  We don't have to make our children feel better, nor do we need to rescue them.  We can encourage them to express how they feel about a situation by listening to them and allowing them to have a "little rant", but this is all we need to do.
This book was a great favourite in our family.  Our children regularly took this book to bed with them -  Perhaps they could identify with Alexander's day.  I certainly could.  For me there was a freedom and permission to have a bad day and openly label it a bad day.  Surely we all have days that don't seem to go so well.  We had a little conversation that centred around the truth of this book:
"How was your day?  I had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" and the other would respond "That's no good, it's not nice to have a day like that is it? ... but then, some days are like that  - aren't they?"
What I particularly like about this book, is that Alexander reaches the conclusion that perhaps his mother is right - that some days are bad days - even in Australia.  We have the American version of this book, which always made us laugh, as Alexander plans to move to Australia, which to him is on the other side of the world.  The Australian version uses Timbucktoo.
There is nothing wrong with verbalising how we are feeling about life when bad things happen - Alexander does this openly and his mother lets him.  She even has the audacity to serve him lima beans for dinner, knowing full well that he hates lima beans - again, she doesn't offer an alternative.  At the end of the book, we leave Alexander sound asleep at the end of his terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.  He manages to self sooth, or use his own thoughts to make sense of his day.  This is the challenge for Mums - to equip our children to deal with the blows of life and I like the example set by Alexander's Mother.
Psalm 13 provides us with another picture of someone having a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.  David is obviously feeling completely overwhelmed and swamped:

How long, O Lord?  Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?  How long will my enemy triumph over me?  Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.  Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him, and my foes will rejoice when I fall." vv 1-4

 David ends his outburst by reminding himself of things he knows to be true about God:

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.  vv 5-6

 David is an adult and he models here a way of dealing with despair and a difficult season in life that is wise and godly.  We can begin helping our children deal with the disappointments, frustrations, hurts and sadnesses that will inevitably come their way.  I would like to write a version of this Psalm for children.

Priorities of a wise Mum 3

Two of my favourite picture books that I read constantly to my children are called Love you Forever by Robert Munsch and The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown.  I loved them for a truth they communicated about how much a mother loves her child.  In the Runaway Bunny, the little bunny wanted to run away, but his mother told him she would run after him because "you are my little bunny".  Love you forever expresses the love a mother has for her child from birth to old age. It is rather sentimental and usually brings a tear to my eye, but there is a little verse that expresses a deep truth that a wise Mum wants to communicate to her child:  "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

How do we show our children that we love them?   And I mean unconditionally love them? Do they feel loved only when they have pleased us?  When they have been good?    Do we love our children in the same manner that God loves us?  Unconditionally.  Without reservation.
To be perfectly honest, this is one of the hardest jobs I have ever been asked to do.  I think it would be easier to go bungy jumping and sky diving than to love my children in the same manner that God loves me.  If unconditional love was not modelled to us as a child, then it is even more difficult.  It is easy to leave our home, go to bible study, church or play group and put on a bright friendly smile, race around like a headless chook and come home totally exhausted to our children who we have no reserves left to deal with at all.  Our children need more than us telling them with words that we love them and apologies for our tiredness and grumpiness - yet again.
I am always challenged by how much God loves me:  "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called the children of God!"  1 John 3:1 or look at Psalm 103 in which the love of God for his people is expressed very clearly.  This is who we need to model ourselves on and pray that God will fill us with love for our children day in and day out.
If you are struggling with loving your children, take time to remind yourself of God's deep and unconditional love for you by pondering the words of this Psalm.
In Paul's letters to the Corinthians, he says something to his readers that is rather interesting.  He is clearly frustrated by their behaviour and is strongly rebuking them and he then says:  "What do you prefer?  Shall I come to you with a whip, or in love and with a gentle spirit?"  (I Cor 4:21.) Our children are children and by definition will behave childishly, irritatingly and annoyingly - constantly and the challenge is to not meet it with aggression, anger and harshness but with love and a gentle spirit.  I don't know about you, but I find this a hard call.
One of the wisest parenting gurus I know is Ross Campbell and he has written a number of books that explain in practical ways how to love our children with unconditional love.  I was given a copy of his book "How to really love your child" when Michael was four weeks old.  It is short and easy to read and I read it in one sitting and then returned to the beginning and read it more slowly.  Amazingly, it provided me with the tools and strategies to show my child - a tiny baby that I loved him, and amazingly, he is now almost 22 and it still provides me with the tools and strategies to show him, now a fine young man that I love him.
There are three ways we can demonstrate to our children that they are loved.  We can use eye contact - looking directly into our children's eyes - and not just when we are cross with them, physical contact - which will vary depending on age - cuddles, hand on shoulder, ruffled hair, back massage, and focussed attention - time alone with each child in which you do something just with them and you give them your undivided attention - your mobile phone is switched off, you are not giving them continual partial attention but your full attention.  Doing these things regularly with each of our children fills their emotional tanks and communicates that we love them.  I have made a new postcard based on Psalm 103.

You can follow the link to download and print and put it somewhere to remind yourself that our God is a God of love.  A wise Mum is one who approaches her children with this same love and a gentle spirit.

The perpetual issues

"Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord"  Ephesians 6:4
"Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged."  Colossians 3:21

I have often pondered over these verses as a mother and what they mean in relation to raising my children.  I think these verses apply to mothers just as much as fathers.  I have to confess that I have often been the source of exasperation and discouragement to my children and I have regularly had to revisit my parenting skills and strategies for dealing with what I call the "perpetual issues".  

What are these perpetual issues?    Things such as the early morning routine before school and getting everyone out the door dressed, with lunch box in the bag, homework completed and in the bag, music practice completed, teeth cleaned, hair brushed.... Or, where would each of my children sit for meal times and whose turn was it to sit where in the car?  These are the issues where we want our children to be "perfect" and do exactly what we want - it certainly makes for a peaceful life and who wants to live in a constant battle ground with children arguing over whose turn it is?

Last night I had a phone conversation with my sister-in-law Julie and we talked about a conference she had recently attended about raising special needs children.  They have a gorgeous special needs child Jaden who will turn four soon.  He has a younger sister Talia who is full of energy and determination.  One of the speakers talked about helping children develop skills in problem solving.  He said that the part of the brain that developed this function was often under developed in children because they were raised in families where they were constantly told what to do and expected to behave and where they were rescued by their parents rather than having to face any consequences of their actions.

This conversation made me think about what I had done when dealing with the perpetual issues with my own children - how did I manage to get them to "behave" without crushing their spirit?  However, there are still perpetual issues that we face as a family and it was a timely reminder to think about my strategies for tackling them.

From a very young age, we developed a method that seemed to help immeasurably.  We had family meetings.  They took place after dinner when the "issue" was raised.  We would only ever tackle one issue per meeting, but it was a time when we could talk about what was happening and what we as the parents, or more particularly me, the mother would like to happen.  We would encourage the children to tell us what they thought and how they thought they could change patterns of behaviour to achieve a desired outcome.

They were enormously creative.  During one meeting, we raised the issue of where they sat at the table and in the car.  They managed to devise a system, in which each of them took turns sitting at a particular spot at the table, seat in the car which would last a week and then they would swap.  It was also linked to whose turn it was to set the table, wash up and help me with dinner.  It worked perfectly and the system lasted for years - probably at least ten.  It resolved countless arguments and tears and they came up with it!

I remember the morning routine discussion.   I explained to the children that I was tired of feeling like I was ordering them around each morning to do the tasks they knew they had to do.  One of them told me that they found it too much to do music practice in the morning, but they would do it after school.  Another told me they loved having time to play outside and after a bit of discussion, it was agreed that if jobs got done quickly, then they would have oodles of time to play.  The children all knew what was expected of them, and they also knew that if they forgot to pack their lunch box, homework or sporting equipment, they would have to wear the consequences.  They also knew that I would be leaving the house at a particular time and it was up to them to be ready - I was not going to say anything or give them reminders.  This family meeting discussion changed the shape of our mornings considerably.

I would love to say that we never had any problems after this, but I would be lying.  But it was a discussion that I could return to at subsequent meetings when their behaviour lapsed.

Living with young adults is very different from living with small children, but ground rules were set when they were little and we have had the most success at changing behaviour by starting a discussion during a family meeting.  Sadly, I need to remind myself that this is a strategy worth applying.

I recently resorted to writing a list of "non-negotiables" that I expected from each of my children and gave it to them.  I rather suspect they each felt discouraged and embittered by this - it only made me feel better for about five minutes.  Perhaps I will have more success by raising this non-negotiable list at a family meeting.  Yes we still have them and asking them what they think about this list and whether it is too onerous or whether they have any other suggestions.  I am hoping this will work.