Priorities of a wise Mum 6

Ice cased Adelie penguins after a blizzard at Cape Denison / photograph by Frank Hurley, originally uploaded by State Library of New South Wales collection.
I love this photo for many reasons, but it seems to fit with what I want to say about a wise Mum and communication.  A wise Mum knows that listening to her children matters - even when they say things that we don't want to hear.  This is a picture of a penguin who is moulting and losing its baby feathers.  I am wondering what this penguin is trying to communicate - he looks like he is covered in ice and is freezing cold - but perhaps he is flapping his wings - excited that he is finally growing up.  I can't answer this question.
Our children will repeatedly say things that we will not want to hear.  I can recall countless examples from my own life.  Take for example the time when my oldest child Michael was not yet three.  Even then, he was articulate and good at arguing his case.  I was walking to bible study with my one year old in the pram and he was walking beside me.  He told me very clearly and loudly that he didn't want to go to creche.  I told him that he had to go, that he would have a lovely time playing with the other children.  He then said that he was too shy to go to creche and this was why he didn't want to go.  I then engaged in a long conversation with him about why he was not a shy boy, but a very friendly happy boy.  I failed to listen to him on that day and I have failed to listen to him on other occasions.  What was he trying to tell me?  Simply that he didn't want to go to creche and if I had bothered to scoop him into my arms and ask him more, he would have told me that he just wanted to be with me and stay at home.  At the time, I was more concerned with my own agenda - namely to have a time of adult conversation, bible study and a break from my children.
Listening to our children is important.  If we can't listen to them when they are little and take what they say seriously, how can we expect them to grow up into teenagers who will tell us how they are feeling?  I am not saying we will agree with what they say, but they need to know that they have been heard and understood.  It is not always easy to hear what our children have to say.  It might be inconvenient, difficult, or you feel like you have heard this before and are totally over this particular conversation.   
There are two proverbs that I think wise Mums ought to memorise and ponder:

• "He who answers before listening - that is his folly and his shame."  Proverbs 18:13
• "Do you see a man who speaks in haste?  There is more hope for a fool than for him." Proverbs 29:20

Let me share a perpetual conversation that I have had with my third child for over thirteen years.    Johnny would tell me that he didn't want to go to pre-school or school.  I would respond with "so you don't want to go - can you tell me what you would like to do?"  He would then tell me that he would love to stay at home and just potter around at home.  I would then say how this sounded like a lovely way to spend a day.  How, I would love to have a quiet day at home too.  After spending a bit of time dreaming with him about what he would like to do,  much to my amazement, he has always happily gone to school. He never made a fuss, threw a tantrum or anything. And the conversation would have  lasted five minutes max.   It was as though, all he wanted was to tell me how he was feeling, and having done that, he was ready to face his day.  I still have this exact same conversation with Johnny and he is almost seventeen.  

There is something about listening to our child, taking what they say seriously that is soothing and helpful to them. There is another Proverb that is challenging:

• "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" Proverbs 15:1
• "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."  Proverbs 16:24

In the interaction I had with Michael, I responded harshly and I certainly did not help the situation.  He went to creche unhappy, misunderstood and probably feeling unloved.  In the interactions I have had with Johnny, I was able to sooth and help him face his day.  

If we can't listen to our children when they are little, we will not magically be able to listen to them when they hit those teenage years and believe me, there will be times when they will say things that we will not want to hear.  But I want to be a Mum who is there for my children - be their biggest fans and supporters - I love them and I show them I love them by listening to them.

A very helpful book on listening to our children is "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  I have also stumbled across a blog written by a New Zealand  Mum who is very wise.  She talks about listening to our children also in her posts.  Check it out:  this week with the kids.  Cathy is a wise Mum.  Finally, I have made a card for those of you who would like to become a mother who listens well.  It is always a "work in progress".  

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