Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Priorities of a wise Mum 4



Amelia's supersonic ear, originally uploaded by awmogul.


I was waiting for someone to point out to me that I had omitted something from my last post.  There is a fourth way we can show our children that we love them and this is with the words we speak to them.  A wise Mum knows that her child has supersonic ears and will hear any and every conversation involving them.  The doors might be closed, your house might have thick walls, but somehow, they seem to be able to hear these conversations.  Don't get me wrong, they don't seem to hear with the same sensitivity when we ask them to do a task or run an errand - it is like they have "selective supersonic hearing".
Ross Campbell in his book "How to Really Love Your Child" explains how our words can be used to show our children our love for them.  It is more than saying to our children "I love you".  It is how you speak about them.  There are two Proverbs that seem to express the power of our words very clearly:

  • "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."  Proverbs 16:24
  • "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."  Proverbs 12:18
The words we use to speak about our children can build them up, encourage them, nurture them and make them feel ok about themselves.  However they can also crush them, hurt them and leave them feeling inadequate and unloved.  There have been times in my life as a mother, when I have had to work very hard at curbing the words I spoke about my children when they were in hearing distance.  It might have been over a coffee with a good friend while our children played, at a park with a group of other Mums or when my husband returned home at the end of the day.  Sometimes, my children had driven me wild, and I couldn't think of anything positive to say about them.  This is the time to shut up.
I had to consciously think, ok what is something positive or good that I can say about my child that has happened today - not always easy - and say that and leave my rant for later, behind closed doors and in a soundproof room.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Priorities of a wise Mum 3

Two of my favourite picture books that I read constantly to my children are called Love you Forever by Robert Munsch and The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown.  I loved them for a truth they communicated about how much a mother loves her child.  In the Runaway Bunny, the little bunny wanted to run away, but his mother told him she would run after him because "you are my little bunny".  Love you forever expresses the love a mother has for her child from birth to old age. It is rather sentimental and usually brings a tear to my eye, but there is a little verse that expresses a deep truth that a wise Mum wants to communicate to her child:  "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

How do we show our children that we love them?   And I mean unconditionally love them? Do they feel loved only when they have pleased us?  When they have been good?    Do we love our children in the same manner that God loves us?  Unconditionally.  Without reservation.
To be perfectly honest, this is one of the hardest jobs I have ever been asked to do.  I think it would be easier to go bungy jumping and sky diving than to love my children in the same manner that God loves me.  If unconditional love was not modelled to us as a child, then it is even more difficult.  It is easy to leave our home, go to bible study, church or play group and put on a bright friendly smile, race around like a headless chook and come home totally exhausted to our children who we have no reserves left to deal with at all.  Our children need more than us telling them with words that we love them and apologies for our tiredness and grumpiness - yet again.
I am always challenged by how much God loves me:  "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called the children of God!"  1 John 3:1 or look at Psalm 103 in which the love of God for his people is expressed very clearly.  This is who we need to model ourselves on and pray that God will fill us with love for our children day in and day out.
If you are struggling with loving your children, take time to remind yourself of God's deep and unconditional love for you by pondering the words of this Psalm.
In Paul's letters to the Corinthians, he says something to his readers that is rather interesting.  He is clearly frustrated by their behaviour and is strongly rebuking them and he then says:  "What do you prefer?  Shall I come to you with a whip, or in love and with a gentle spirit?"  (I Cor 4:21.) Our children are children and by definition will behave childishly, irritatingly and annoyingly - constantly and the challenge is to not meet it with aggression, anger and harshness but with love and a gentle spirit.  I don't know about you, but I find this a hard call.
One of the wisest parenting gurus I know is Ross Campbell and he has written a number of books that explain in practical ways how to love our children with unconditional love.  I was given a copy of his book "How to really love your child" when Michael was four weeks old.  It is short and easy to read and I read it in one sitting and then returned to the beginning and read it more slowly.  Amazingly, it provided me with the tools and strategies to show my child - a tiny baby that I loved him, and amazingly, he is now almost 22 and it still provides me with the tools and strategies to show him, now a fine young man that I love him.
There are three ways we can demonstrate to our children that they are loved.  We can use eye contact - looking directly into our children's eyes - and not just when we are cross with them, physical contact - which will vary depending on age - cuddles, hand on shoulder, ruffled hair, back massage, and focussed attention - time alone with each child in which you do something just with them and you give them your undivided attention - your mobile phone is switched off, you are not giving them continual partial attention but your full attention.  Doing these things regularly with each of our children fills their emotional tanks and communicates that we love them.  I have made a new postcard based on Psalm 103.
You can follow the link to download and print and put it somewhere to remind yourself that our God is a God of love.  A wise Mum is one who approaches her children with this same love and a gentle spirit.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo



The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, originally uploaded by KarenSaraGaches.


I read this book over a year ago.  I was quite intrigued, as I had spent time with one of my daughter Susannah's friends and her mother and both had been completely engrossed by this book.  They both told me separately, that they had not been able to put it down.  As I am a bookworm and devour books, I purchased a copy and was hooked and became inseparable from it until I had finished the final page.  This is extremely dangerous when life beckons and there are many things that demand my attention.  I then got hold of the second book, and put my name down to get the third on its release last September.  They have been well read books, as I have passed them to different friends and work colleagues.
The film has just been released, and I went and saw it yesterday with a good friend.  I usually hate seeing the film of a book when I have enjoyed, but this time I was pleasantly surprised.  The film captures the main characters of Lisbeth Salander and Mikhail Blomkvist perfectly.  The story is well told - nothing is left to the imagination - it is fairly brutal, so there were times when I was grabbing Amal's arm and closing my eyes, but I enjoyed it immensely.  I am not going into details, as I don't want to spoil either the book or film for anyone.  But if you enjoy a thriller, you will enjoy this.
I have to confess that I love thriller books and thriller movies.  This often comes as a surprise to people who know me, but I am smitten.  I have a secret life of interest in the underworld of crime at work also, as I write regularly about criminal cases that have gone to court and about the law generally on a blog for legal studies students.  I am hoping that Keith will want to see it, despite not having read the book, so I can get to see it again.  Am I mad or ?

Pink



Pink, originally uploaded by kasia-aus.


There is a woman at my church who has breast cancer and is undergoing fairly aggressive treatment.    We have been praying for her over the last few weeks, since the diagnosis was made.  She has the most beautiful long chestnut hair, but the chemo is going to make her hair fall out.  As she has so much hair, this was going to be rather messy, so she decided to act first.  After church last Sunday, she asked a friend to cut and shave her beautiful crop of hair publicly and asked us to give money either to our church building fund or a charity of our choice.  A large number of us gathered with this brave woman while her hair was chopped.  
What emerged was a beautifully shaped head - in fact she radiated beauty.  One of those watching, was Steve, who lost his wife to cancer four years ago leaving him to raise their two little girls as a single Dad.  It was almost a time of celebration, as we prayed for her, as she undergoes months of horrible treatment.  Amazingly, five and a half thousand dollars was raised as collectively, we wanted to show this woman that she is not alone and that we walk with her.
This morning she arrived at church, newly shaved, her head uncovered and she looked beautiful.  She had a pink rose on her necklace and wore a soft pink scarf around her shoulders.  
Having walked with my Mum with breast cancer six years ago, she lost her hair also, and has been given the all clear every six months since, and more recently, my Mother-in-law who had radiotherapy treatment late last year,  I appreciated the opportunity to demonstrate in a practical way my support for this woman. 
I found this photo on flickr, and it captures how sometimes out of the bleakness of life, a surprise emerges, as we see people survive the difficult times they face - they are able to smile and walk bravely trusting that they have their God with them and they are not alone.

Monday, March 15, 2010

21st birthday quilt

My niece Caitlin has just turned 21.  I had wanted to make a quilt for her birthday, so I asked her sister, her mother and all of my children "if I made a quilt for Caiti, what colours should I use and what sort of design should I do?"  Each time I had the same response "she will like whatever you make for her".  This was singularly unhelpful, but undaunted, I took Susannah with me to shop for fabric.
This was a year ago - I thought I would give myself plenty of time to get it made.  We went to one of my favourite shops Prints Charming in Annandale armed with a  Kaffe Fassett book containing a quilt design that looked effective and reasonably easy.
We had a fun time choosing fabric - we bought just enough for the quilt I had selected and it sat looking beautiful in plastic wrapping.  A year ago I was not at all well and the idea of starting this project was a little overwhelming, so it sat until the beginning of this year.
In January, I took time off work, thinking that Keith would have finished writing about Ricky and we could go away, but his deadline was moved, due to other events that happened in our family, so I had time to fill, and I constructed this quilt!
The fabric that Prints Charming use is beautiful to sew - it is soft - I am not really sure what else to say about it, except it is a dream to work with.  There have been times over the last few weeks when I have had to quickly hide this project, as Caiti often visits.  I finally completed quilting it on the weekend and gave it to her this morning.
This quilt was a pleasure to create and I am hoping that Caiti will use it to snuggle under while watching TV or asleep in bed and that she can drape it over the easel which Mum gave her for her birthday when she is not painting.
I would love to artistically display this quilt in the fashion of Kaffe Fassett, but alas, as with decorating birthday cakes, this is not my forte.  But it did look lovely in our garden.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

The Doorbell Rang

This book was a great favourite of mine when my children were small.  It is quirky. Imagine the excitement of two children being given a plate filled with freshly baked choc chip cookies, and working out they can have six each, only to have to share them with others?   Each time the doorbell rings, the number of cookies they can each have diminishes.   But the doorbell keeps ringing and that clean kitchen floor gets muddier and muddier.
My children are much older, but our doorbell rings - often.  Sometimes I come home never quite knowing who will be there.  I rarely have choc chip cookies around, or muffins, or anything much, but the kettle is often put on and a cup of tea is made and shared.  Susannah makes the best choc chip cookies in our family and we all enjoy them when she has baked.
There is a sense of chaos in this domestic scene which resonates with the domestic chaos I regularly find in my home - bags left on the floor, a pile of shoes by the door, piles of mugs, glasses and plates beside the kitchen sink, a freshly washed kitchen floor no longer quite so sparkly clean.
How can I complain?  Didn't I teach my children about generosity, sharing and hospitality?  Isn't this a book we read again and again?  I now watch them welcome their friends and neighbours into our home filling it will laughter, noise and chaos and still the doorbell rings and I am glad.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Priorities of a wise Mum 1



Florence Austral at home, Newcastle, NSW, 10 March 1953 / Sam Hood, originally uploaded by State Library of New South Wales collection.
I love this photo from the State Library of NSW - I have no idea whether Florence Austral was a mother as well as being a famous singer, but this photo depicts a thoroughly domestic scene - she is making marmalade and behind her is her teapot and cups and saucers.  I have not made marmalade that often, but when I do, I look flustered and dishevelled and my entire kitchen would look like a bomb had hit it.
A number of years ago, I was asked to speak to a group of Mums on the topic "priorities of a wise Mum".  I was searching through my black hole of a filing cabinet looking for something else and found it buried amongst some other papers.  I know that some of you who read this blog are Mums and have found previous posts helpful, so I thought I would share this talk with you over the next few weeks.  I like thinking about things slowly and mull them around in my head - so I will share a new bit every week, to give you a chance to reflect on it.
Before you became a Mum, what did you think or imagine you would be like as a mother.  Were there qualities you thought you would like to have or things you imagined yourself doing?  
Before I became a Mum, I imagined that I would be a calm and serene mother.  I thought that I would be a perfect mother in every way - have wonderful relationships with my children, that I would have perfect children, that I would have a perfect marriage.  I didn't think I would be working in paid employment.  I imagined that each day I would cook choc chip cookies or blueberry muffins and my children would come home from school to the aroma of these freshly baked goodies and we would sit around the table and chat peacefully about our day.
This picture couldn't be further from the reality of my life if I tried.  I discovered that I am a far from perfect mother, I have far from perfect children and my marriage is certainly not perfect.  Most days, I could tell myself that I am a complete failure.
On reaching this dismal realisation, I started to ask the question - what does God expect of me as a Mum, as a Christian Mum?  Each of you could ask the same question.  What does God expect or demand of you as mothers - as Christian mothers?  
After much thought, I came up with a few ideas of what could characterise or lives as Christian mothers.
  1. A wise Mum trusts in God
It is so easy to be anxious about our children.  We can fill our minds with much fret - will they succeed academically?  with they be liked by others and make friends?  Will they hold onto the Christian faith?  Will they develop qualities of gentleness, kindness and goodness?  Will they go to sleep tonight and stay asleep and not awaken with a bad dream?  Will they ever stop driving me crazy?  Can we trust God with all these anxious thoughts?
A wise Mum is able to silence these silence these anxious thoughts. and have a deep firm trust in her God.  She reminds herself constantly that God is sovereign and totally trustworthy.  

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:5-6
The wise woman trusts God.  We have a wonderful picture of a wise woman in the book of Proverbs.  Most of you will be familiar with the Proverbs 31 woman.  This woman is a wife and a mother.  She is the epitome of a wise woman.  The quality she is most praised for is that she is a woman who "fears the Lord".  Why does she fear Him?  Because she knows that He is the sovereign God and completely in control of all that happens in life.  She lives her life as if this is a reality.
 A prayer:
 Loving heavenly Father, thank you for the privilege of being a mother.  Thank you for my children.  I want to thank you that you are my sovereign God and that you are totally trustworthy - I can entrust my children to your tender and loving care.  There are so many things that I want to fix and control, but I can't.  I commit my heart to you and ask that you will help me be a Mum who simply trusts you. Thank you that you are always with me, and that you are always with my children.  Even when I feel like I have nothing to give my children, I know that you are the strength of my heart and my portion forever - I cast myself into your hands, knowing that you are holding me by my right hand and that you guide me with your counsel and that afterwards you will take me into glory.  Amen.  (from Psalm 73:23-26.)

Monday, March 8, 2010

Numbering our days - revisited

Last week I had a conversation with Michael in which I was telling him about seeing one of his old school friends who has just turned 21.  She had lamented to me that she was getting old and that in "just nine years she would be turning 30!"  Michael responded to this by telling me that each day he thinks he is one day closer to heaven and that he embraces growing older quite happily, with this reality set before him.
Yes, he had just been to a funeral for the father of a dear friend and yes, the reality of death was in his face, but I was struck by his mindset.
Is that how I think at the end of each day?  - "I am one day closer to heaven?"  Does this reality permeate to the core of my being?  It certainly permeated Richard Baxter's life, his thoughts and his speech.  He spent the second half of his life preparing for his death and he had a long wait, but he meditated upon the splendours awaiting him in heaven daily.
A few years ago, I wrote a devotion on "numbering our days" and I revisited it.  I wrote it after my health scare and I have to admit I did much soul searching.
It is challenging to think again about how I fill my days - there are many distractions and I easily get caught up in the details of life that in the scale of things really don't matter.  I have returned to this verse and my prayer - it was a timely conversation.  Thanks Michael!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Celebrating One Hundred years at the State Library



Mitchell Library, opening ceremony, 8th March, 1910, by unknown photographer, originally uploaded by State Library of New South Wales collection.


Today I attended an afternoon tea and preview of our One Hundred exhibition, which opens tonight in honour of our one hundredth birthday.   It looked rather different to the above picture - I didn't see any hats, or suits even, but it was equally auspicious.  Tonight there is a proper gala dinner.  
The exhibition is worth viewing.  One hundred items from our collection have been chosen for display for one hundred days.  It is a somewhat eclectic collection of items and each one tells a unique story.
A few of my favourites include:

  •  the draft for Ethel Turner's Seven Little Australians, a book I adored as a child and read again and again.  I still remember my teacher reading it to our class in primary school and being so enthralled that I had to get it out of the library to reach the end - I just couldn't wait.;
  •  Miles Franklin's waratah cup and saucer and her letters to Angus and Robertson - how well I remember reading My Brilliant Career;
  • A chinese porcelain punchbowl featuring a scene of Sydney Cove - it is exquisite - I had only seen pictures of it, but in real life is beautiful;
  • Kate Grenville's draft manuscript for The Secret River;
  • Joseph Banks journal that he kept on board the Endeavour
  • A years worth of junk mail that arrived in a family's mailbox - there was rather a lot! 
The exhibition has been beautifully displayed and is inspiring.  I would encourage you to take the time to visit the State Library and celebrate its centenary and browse this exhibition.  This coming Saturday there is an Open Day at the library called Check Out the Library - it sounds like fun for young and old.  I will be there this Saturday and am hoping some of my family join me.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Paul Assef

Little did I imagine that barely an hour after I wrote my last post, this giant of a man would die - snap - just like that!
Paul was a man who loved God and lived his life dedicated to serving His God with a big big heart. He was loved by many - his wife, his children, his mother, his sisters and their families, his friends and so many more....
I was on the edge of Paul's life, but whenever I met him, he greeted me as if I was his best friend.  He was so warm, welcoming and gregarious.  He embraced life to the fulness and drew others with him.
Paul's eldest daughter Jess married Simon a year ago amidst much joy and celebration.  This is a photo I took at their wedding and it captures Paul looking with pride at the new couple.  I was Jess' age when I married and a year later my father died, so it seems like I am watching a replay of my own life before my very eyes.
In the hours after his death, I cried out "why?"  and the following day after Paul's death, my devotional book focused on Deuteronomy 29:29 - "The secret things belong to the Lord our God"... I was patiently reminded me that I am not God, and that there is much in life that seems unfathomable and illogical.  A better question to ask perhaps is "do I still trust in God's goodness and believe that He is a great God?"
I have returned to Psalm 121 in the days since and lifted my eyes to the hills - to the Lord - who is there watching me and watching Paul's family and friends as they face life without this man.  There is nothing in life that prepares us for times when tragedies such as this take place, except for knowing that the unexpected can and will happen and usually when we least expect it.  And when it happens to lift our eyes heavenwards.
Two of my children travelled to Moree to attend his funeral.  They are sad.  Their uni friends are sad - they knew and loved Paul deeply and were impressed with how he lived his life.  Paul's children are returning to Sydney soon, as has his sister Rhonda and her husband Phil and their children.  All I can do is walk with each of them through this time of deep deep sadness and grief, and I can pray.
On the day my father died, I received a letter in the mail written by my friend Melinda who lived in the United States.  She had posted it two weeks earlier.  She wrote out Psalm 91:

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.'....
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.....
If you make the Most High your dwelling -
even the Lord, who is my refuge -
then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
Because he loves me, says the Lord,
I will rescue him;
I will protect him,
for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honour him.
With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."  Psalm 91

My father had not been able to speak much in the final days of his life, but these verses spoke to me and reassured me that my Dad had called upon the Lord in his final hours of life.  I spoke with Dan, Paul's son last week and he told me that knowing that his Dad was in heaven helped him enormously.  This conversation took me back to those early days when I was numb with shock and overcome with grief and reminded me that this truth also carried me.  I look back now and know that the Lord used His angels to carry me through this time that nothing had prepared me to face.  I am praying that those angels will be with Paul's family as they resume life.
The jigsaw of their life has one huge piece missing which will never be replaced.  They will learn to live without him, but there will be daily, constant reminders of him - his laughter, his joy, his protectiveness, his clutter, his love, his smell, his voice, his smile and his touch.