Psalm 121

Psalm 121, originally uploaded by sarahkeithcondie.

I have enjoyed reading the latest edition of Eternity - a national newsletter for Australian Christians.  I found a number of the articles to be encouraging.  There is a section on how to pray and much to my excitement, I saw my sister-in-law Julie's face with my nephew JJ.  Julie  shares her prayer life with readers.  It is inspiring to read, as we have watched her and her husband deal with their life from close quarters.  Sometimes, life looks like it sucks and there have been times when we have looked at the circumstances in Phil and Julie's life and wept with them and prayed fervently for them.  They don't live in Sydney, so it is not easy to help from a distance.

Julie's story, as have the other stories reminded me of the power and importance of prayer - by praying, we are showing God that we trust him.  Julie's deep trust in God has inspired me over many years and perhaps more so in recent times.  She asked me the other night if I could make her a card with a picture of a hill with Psalm 121 as its text.  This is the result.  It is her favourite Psalm and it has fed her immensely in recent weeks.

I had to learn Psalm 121 by heart when I was in primary school, so I have carried the words of this beautiful Psalm with me for many years.  My Mum chose it as the reading at my Dad's funeral back in 1982, and since then, I have not looked at it much or reflected on its words - it has had other painful memories for me.  However, I have spent the last day doing just that.  

How awesome to be reminded that our God watches us constantly - he doesn't take a pit stop or a holiday or even a five minute power nap.  Day and night, he remains at our right hand.  There is a deep comfort in being reminded we are not alone when we face circumstances that test us to the core.  Our God is the maker of the heavens and the earth - surely he can enable us to face what comes.  We just need to do what Julie does - lift our eyes to the hills - as help is at hand.

My first bag!

I like making things and I have long wanted to make a bag.  I love bags and have a eclectic assortment hanging on door handles around the house. This is my first attempt and I have given it to my Mum for her birthday.  I used leftover scraps from the quilt I made for my aunt and it was fun working out what I would put where.  Each side is different.

Mum does quite a lot of painting and I thought she could use this bag for putting all her art stuff in.  However, she has other ideas for its use and has it hanging over her staircase bannister - the colours blend with the environment of her home and it looks rather lovely.

It took much longer to make than I had anticipated and I managed to break two needles during its construction.  However, I learnt heaps from putting it together and know how to do it better next time.

I always think that I will "whip" something up quickly, but the whip turns into a long slow fiddle.  I spent some of those really humid days working on this - I wouldn't recommend it - but I was determined to get it completed in time for Mum's birthday.

The perpetual issues

"Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord"  Ephesians 6:4
"Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged."  Colossians 3:21

I have often pondered over these verses as a mother and what they mean in relation to raising my children.  I think these verses apply to mothers just as much as fathers.  I have to confess that I have often been the source of exasperation and discouragement to my children and I have regularly had to revisit my parenting skills and strategies for dealing with what I call the "perpetual issues".  

What are these perpetual issues?    Things such as the early morning routine before school and getting everyone out the door dressed, with lunch box in the bag, homework completed and in the bag, music practice completed, teeth cleaned, hair brushed.... Or, where would each of my children sit for meal times and whose turn was it to sit where in the car?  These are the issues where we want our children to be "perfect" and do exactly what we want - it certainly makes for a peaceful life and who wants to live in a constant battle ground with children arguing over whose turn it is?

Last night I had a phone conversation with my sister-in-law Julie and we talked about a conference she had recently attended about raising special needs children.  They have a gorgeous special needs child Jaden who will turn four soon.  He has a younger sister Talia who is full of energy and determination.  One of the speakers talked about helping children develop skills in problem solving.  He said that the part of the brain that developed this function was often under developed in children because they were raised in families where they were constantly told what to do and expected to behave and where they were rescued by their parents rather than having to face any consequences of their actions.

This conversation made me think about what I had done when dealing with the perpetual issues with my own children - how did I manage to get them to "behave" without crushing their spirit?  However, there are still perpetual issues that we face as a family and it was a timely reminder to think about my strategies for tackling them.

From a very young age, we developed a method that seemed to help immeasurably.  We had family meetings.  They took place after dinner when the "issue" was raised.  We would only ever tackle one issue per meeting, but it was a time when we could talk about what was happening and what we as the parents, or more particularly me, the mother would like to happen.  We would encourage the children to tell us what they thought and how they thought they could change patterns of behaviour to achieve a desired outcome.

They were enormously creative.  During one meeting, we raised the issue of where they sat at the table and in the car.  They managed to devise a system, in which each of them took turns sitting at a particular spot at the table, seat in the car which would last a week and then they would swap.  It was also linked to whose turn it was to set the table, wash up and help me with dinner.  It worked perfectly and the system lasted for years - probably at least ten.  It resolved countless arguments and tears and they came up with it!

I remember the morning routine discussion.   I explained to the children that I was tired of feeling like I was ordering them around each morning to do the tasks they knew they had to do.  One of them told me that they found it too much to do music practice in the morning, but they would do it after school.  Another told me they loved having time to play outside and after a bit of discussion, it was agreed that if jobs got done quickly, then they would have oodles of time to play.  The children all knew what was expected of them, and they also knew that if they forgot to pack their lunch box, homework or sporting equipment, they would have to wear the consequences.  They also knew that I would be leaving the house at a particular time and it was up to them to be ready - I was not going to say anything or give them reminders.  This family meeting discussion changed the shape of our mornings considerably.

I would love to say that we never had any problems after this, but I would be lying.  But it was a discussion that I could return to at subsequent meetings when their behaviour lapsed.

Living with young adults is very different from living with small children, but ground rules were set when they were little and we have had the most success at changing behaviour by starting a discussion during a family meeting.  Sadly, I need to remind myself that this is a strategy worth applying.

I recently resorted to writing a list of "non-negotiables" that I expected from each of my children and gave it to them.  I rather suspect they each felt discouraged and embittered by this - it only made me feel better for about five minutes.  Perhaps I will have more success by raising this non-negotiable list at a family meeting.  Yes we still have them and asking them what they think about this list and whether it is too onerous or whether they have any other suggestions.  I am hoping this will work.

On being a counter-cultural mother

I found Nicole’s response to my earlier post thoughtful, honest and challenging.  In many ways, I am not sure how to respond.  

http://www.flickr.com/photos/9788687@N03/2601646999/in/set-72157601962393975/


The first thing I would say is, it is worth reminding ourselves daily, or maybe even hourly that we are not alone – we have a Father who walks with us and holds us by our right hand and that he loves our children even more than we do.  Perhaps write out a verse such as Psalm 73:23-26 or Proverbs 3:5-6 and read them every morning before you greet your children.  And we can trust this God!  He will use us, despite our sinfulness, despite our weaknesses and despite our fallen world.  (If you follow the above link, it will take you to this postcard and you could print these verses out.)

I thought I would also suggest some very simple ways that mothers can be counter-culturally different:

1.    Greet each of your children each morning with a smile, a hug and a kiss.  Find out what is big for them that day – how do they feel about going to school, pre-school, whatever it is – what is in their heads about their day?

2.    End each day saying good night to your children – give them a big hug, a kiss, tell them you love them, while you gaze into their eyes.

3.    Have a family night each week – perhaps a fun dinner that everyone enjoys, and then together play cards, a board game, watch a dvd – something that you all enjoy as a family.  This might be the night you have fish and chips and ice cream – if that is what your children enjoy.

4.    Think of something positive to say to each of your children every day that communicates your fondness and admiration for them.

5.    Have a “connect conversation” with each of your children in which you listen to them.  If they tell you they are tired, or angry don’t respond by saying that they couldn’t possibly be feeling tired, or that anger is not a good thing to feel.  Let them tell you how they are really feeling, so that at the end of the conversation, they feel like you have really listened to them.

You can start doing all these things with toddlers and pre-schoolers.  If your children grow up knowing that you listen to them, they are more likely to tell you about things when they hit their 'tweens and teenage years.  You can cultivate an environment in which you can talk to their child about their choice of clothes, their behaviour, their friends.  It is from that basis, that you can challenge them and get them to think through decisions they are making.


You will be modelling behaviour to your children that speaks more loudly than a thousand spoken words or lectures or rants. Each of the above communicates love and care.  If you have lots of children, this might be a rather overwhelming list, but they don’t have to be big conversations. 

You will notice that I have said nothing about bible reading, devotions or prayers.  Doing these things with our children is extremely important, but I wonder if we do them at the expense of taking the time to listen to our children.

If your response to this list is that you don’t have time to do any of these things, then you and/or your children are too busy.  Look at what is happening in your daily and weekly routine.  If your children are at school, what activities do they have after school?  Do you all get home at the end of an afternoon and collapse in a heap?  A rule of thumb I had with my children was one musical instrument and one sport.  My daughter wanted to do gymnastics, which involved three afternoons and Saturdays and I said no.  She might still be sad about this decision, but I knew I couldn’t cope with the driving involved in making that happen. My children’s favourite afternoons were those when they simply “came home”.  So we did a lot of this.


What do you think?

Girls and caring adults

This morning I read Nicole's blog posting the disappearance of caring adults and felt compelled to respond, and thought I would on my own blog. Nicole poses the question "what do you think we can do as Christians to be counter-cultural in this area? How can we make ourselves more available to our children, and other people's children?" and I would like to respond that most young Christian Mum's I know are counter-cultural in the way they are raising their girls - they are thoughtful, Godly, wise and seek to do the best job they can in raising their daughters.  Keep doing what you are doing.


When I think about raising my own daughter, who is almost 20, I am exceedingly thankful for the caring adults who surrounded her. She had wonderful grandparents who regularly had her to stay overnight, wonderful aunts and uncles who spent time with her and family friends - from our church and from different networks.  I belonged to a weekly bible study group called "Friday Morning Group" and this group was a place that nurtured and cared for Mums and children.  Our children grew up together.  Different Mums would take Susannah to sport, music - we shared the driving, we regularly had each other's children over to play, for a sleep over, for lunch.  I don't think any of us intentionally worried about how our children would turn out, we simply did the best job we could at that time.  We chatted with them, cooked with them, had fun with them and celebrated together through milestones passed.  There were also times of tears, disappointment and sadness, but again, it was shared.


I used to meet up with a friend regularly to pray for our daughters and together we shared those times when our tempers were fraught.  I have another couple of friends who I shared deeply and openly with about different issues that arose - each time, knowing that my thoughts would go no further.  I would get encouragement, simply by sharing that it was ok, I could trust God with my precious daughter, that God would use me, despite my sinfulness and that He was Susannah's Father, not her grandfather!


I remember the wise words of a friend who said that it takes a village to raise a child and how true that is.  When our children reach adolescence, they need time with other adults who don't see only their bad points.  


My observations of many young Mums today is that they are fearful.  They are scared of screwing it up, that their daughter will abandon their faith, that their daughter will behave in inappropriate ways, dress inappropriately, speak inappropriately and develop disastrous friendships.  They are fearful that the world will corrupt their daughters.  When such Mums read comments such as those made by Steve Biddulph, and books such as Getting Real it raises all those fears to the fore.  "How can I stop this from happening to my own daughter?"  Sometimes I wonder whether they worry too much and don't see that they are already living and modelling healthy patterns of behaving and that their daughters will be ok.


Thinking about this today, I have realised that Psalm 37 speaks to us Mums quite personally.  I have been reading and thinking about this Psalm for over a year now, but it speaks just as clearly to me today, as it did over a year ago. In the first few verses, the writer encourages his readers not to fret.  Why were they fretting or filled with angst?  Because of the evil and wickedness of the world and how it looks like it is such people who are thriving.  What do Mums fret about? perhaps that their daughters will be swallowed up by the world and that the evil in this world will dominate and win them over.


Let me quote from Psalm 37:


"Do not fret because of evil men
       or be envious of those who do wrong;
  for like the grass they will soon wither,
       like green plants they will soon die away.
  Trust in the LORD and do good;
       dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
  Delight yourself in the LORD
       and he will give you the desires of your heart.
  Commit your way to the LORD;
       trust in him and he will do this:
  He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
       the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
  Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
       do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
       when they carry out their wicked schemes.
  Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
       do not fret—it leads only to evil.
  For evil men will be cut off,
       but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land."  verses 1-9


It is quite a long Psalm, but the main thrust is for the reader to trust in the Lord.  A few verses on:



"If the LORD delights in a man's way,
       he makes his steps firm;
  though he stumble, he will not fall,
       for the LORD upholds him with his hand.
  I was young and now I am old,
       yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
       or their children begging bread.
  They are always generous and lend freely;
       their children will be blessed."


There is a beautiful image here - if we as Mums are living life delighting in the Lord, that He will look after us and not abandon us or our children.  


Don't fret, trust God.  He will forgive us when we screw up as mothers and we turn to Him in repentance and He will not let us or our children fall.


I was not the perfect mother, and I am sure I did many things wrong.  I am sure that my children would rattle off a list of things that I did wrong.   But I can trust God and I can delight in Him day by day and encourage my daughter and the girls who spend time in my care to delight in the Lord.  As I look at Susannah today, I thank God for the young woman she is becoming.  God has held her firmly in the palm of his hand, and she bears testament to the influence of many other women on her - certainly not just mine.  She is now spending time with younger girls - leading a youth group, teaching Sunday School and I can see that she is becoming one of those caring adults that Steve Biddulph is encouraging each of us to be for our children.

Vale Dick Francis

One of my favourite authors Dick Francis has just died.  I have been a fan of his books for years.  He was a prolific writer.  This obituary provides details of his life.  I vividly recall reading Twice Shy for the first time in the mid 1980s.  Keith and I were staying with my aunt and uncle in Tasmania and they gave this book to Keith for Christmas.  I thought that he would never it, as he is rather selective in what he chooses to read.  However, that Christmas Day, he was sick and we left him at home in bed while we had our Christmas lunch with some neighbours.  Keith spent that entire time reading that book - I had never seen him so engrossed and he reached the end very quickly.  He admitted to enjoying reading it, so I took it up and similarly was engrossed and thus started my love affair with his books.

My aunt had a shelf of his books, so I demolished them rapidly in the remaining time we had with them.  My father had his own collection of Dick Francis' books, so I raided that collection also.  My absolute favourite is High Stakes.  He is a good story teller, has a wonderful central character - a silent elusive man who is always involved in some way with horse racing.  I have learnt much from his books about this sport - not that I have ever gone to a horse race or placed a bid, or indeed ridden a horse.  His books are thrillers and page turners.  What appeals to me most about his books is the characters - the central characters are believable, pleasant and the stories are well told.

I have several friends who equally enjoy his books.  Rhonda and her cousin Lyn and I used to race to be the first to purchase his latest book and then share it with each other. I have probably read all his books and many more than once.  I am a bookworm and I enjoy re-reading books, particularly when I find life a little overwhelming.  Disappearing into a familiar book is a bit like retreating with a good friend for a while.

Love is in the air

I live with three young adults, so it is not surprising that our conversations regularly return to matters of the heart.  A few weeks ago, I had an interesting conversation with my son Johnny who is sixteen.  We had just been to a wedding for a dear family friend.  The couple were clearly in love and happiness poured out of every bit of them.  Johnny asked me about this "flame" and what happened to it.  From his observations it seems to disappear from marriages.

At the time, we were looking after his young cousins who are 18 months and almost four while their mother had been rushed to hospital in an ambulance after a severe epileptic fit.  We were bathing both children, feeding them and putting them to bed.  In my head, my immediate response was "life" - life happens and often it sucks the flame out of couples as they struggle to survive the pressures of surviving the experiences of life that come their way.  I didn't say this, but we talked about love, marriage and romance, but the question remained with me.

In the lead up to Valentine's Day, our family had many discussions about love over dinner.  Johnny told us that he thought that one of Shakespeare's sonnets would be perfect for sharing with someone you loved.  Much to our surprise, he mentioned one in particular.  I was not familiar with this particular sonnet, but it aroused my curiosity.  It must have aroused our house guest James' curiosity also, as he went out and purchased the Penguin complete edition of Shakespeare's sonnets.  We all read the sonnet that Johnny had mentioned - it was indeed beautiful and filled with passion and desire. James returned home for the weekend and spent his seven hour train trip reading this collection of sonnets.  I went out in search for our own copy of this collection.

I have to confess, but I adore romantic comedies - much to the amusement of my family.  "You've Got Mail", "In her Shoes","Sleepless in Seattle" "When Harry met Sally" and "Love Actually" are all favourites - I have them all on DVD and regularly watch them again and again.  I was hoping I would get to see the latest romantic comedy that is out "Valentine's Day" and even suggested it to Keith on Friday morning.  He was most disinterested in the idea, so I thought that I might have to go alone.  However, I had a surprise gift arrive at the door later that day, and it included a double pass to see "Valentine's Day".

I loved it.  Despite its total predictability, it was fun, I laughed and enjoyed seeing it immensely.  It is centred around a florist in Los Angeles.  The shop is amazing - simply beautiful and there were some lovely relationships explored, as well as some not so lovely relationships.  The theme of love being based on a deep friendship came through.  After the movie, Keith and I had dinner and then it was time to go home.  The heavens had opened and we had no umbrella and quite a walk to our car.

I removed my shoes, and together we ran, laughing, down Norton Street towards our car.  We bought a $10 umbrella, but even this failed to keep us dry.  We were completely drenched by the time we reached the car, but neither of us minded one bit - it had been a fun little interlude.  I had been tempted to join a group of teenage girls dancing in the rain in the Forum, but decided that I was perhaps a little old.

I have purchased two books which might keep love in the air  Shakespeare on Love edited by CN Edwards and   Penguin's Poems for Love selected by Laura Barber - this includes one of my very favourite poems by EE Cummings "I carry your heart with me".

Valentine's Day is over for another year, but I suspect that conversations about love will continue in our household.  There is a challenge to have a marriage that doesn't lose the flame.  Song of Songs was not written just for the newly married.  It is a book for all married couples - it is filled with desire, passion, love and there is that flame that Johnny saw.

Daddy-Long-Legs

Daddy Long Legs Spider (Pholcus phalangoides), originally uploaded by berrimbillah.

I am terrified of spiders - particularly large black creepy crawly ones.  For some reason, I tolerate daddy-long-legs and will happily welcome one into my home and treat it as part of the family.  One summer, I happily co-habited our bathroom with a large daddy long legs.  At present there is one sitting in my mix master and I will let him stay there until I need to use it for cooking.  I have never understood this until I re-read Jean Webster's Daddy-Long-Legs and Dear Enemy.  I read and adored both books as a young teenager, but have not read them since.  Perhaps my tolerance for daddy-long-leg spiders comes from warm memories of reading this book.

I have intended to re-read both books for ages.  A few years ago, my Mum asked me to buy her a copy of both books from Amazon as she had not been able to find them in any book shop near her.  She bought two and gave the second copy to Susannah for Christmas, and I had planned on reading it after she had.  However, it disappeared into the bowels of Susannah's room not to resurface and I forgot.  Again, after reading the Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society, I thought that I must revisit Daddy-Long-Legs.

Last week I received a beautiful gift from my aunt, who I made a quilt for - she gave me her copies of these books.  They were both printed in 1917 and had belonged to her father, my paternal grandfather and I read them immediately with much enjoyment.  In fact I couldn't put them down they were so entertaining.  Daddy-Long-Legs consists of letters written by Jurusha Abbott, a little orphan girl who grew up in an orphanage, who is given the opportunity to go to college by a wealthy benefactor - one of the orphanage's trustees.  He wants to remain anonymous, and his only stipulation is that she write letters to him about her college education.  Jerusha catches a glimpse of this man and sees that he is very tall and thin, so she calls him Daddy-long-legs.

According to my aunt, these books were great favourites of my grandfather, and she has had them in her collection of books for years.  They have travelled with her from England in 1976 to reside in Australia until 1990 and returned to England.  They are now in my hands back in Oz, so they are well travelled , and much loved.  I have nothing that belonged to my Grandfather, who died in the mid 1970s shortly after celebrating his 50th wedding anniversary.

This is the only photo I have of my grandparents with all their grandchildren.  It was taken during a summer I spent in England with my mother and sister.  Guess which one of these girls is me?

It is finished!

Keith has handed in his PhD!  "The theory, practice, and reception of meditation in the thought of Richard Baxter" is finally completed.  It has been ten years since Ricky joined our family and we all feel like we know a little bit about this eccentric and extraordinary man.

Keith has done little else the last few weeks other than modify his thesis.  Anyone who knows him, will know that he is a perfectionist.  The week before he was to hand it in, I went up to Summer School for a night with a friend.  On my return, he announced that he had figured out what was wrong with his thesis, something that had been frustrating him immensely,which could be resolved by completely rewriting from scratch.

How is a loving wife to respond to this?   I really had no words to say.  When I told Michael on the phone that this was what he had said, even he was rendered speechless.  If anyone knows Michael, this is extremely unusual.


Fortunately, he did not take this step, but rather did some major "tweaking".  It was a sprint right up to the end, with little sleep.  But it is finished!  We have been in celebratory mode ever since.  I am proud of Keith for completing this work.  He really did most of it in tiny cracks of time and on top of a busy work schedule and on top of caring for a wife who has not had fantastic health. He has done more than his fair share of work on the domestic front.  There have been many times in the last few years when I have begged him to give up and abandon it unfinished, but he determinedly ploughed on.  Keith also managed to make time for me, our family, good friends and other commitments - he didn't withdraw from life simply to work on Ricky - this is a credit to him.


We celebrated as a family last week by eating at Ice and Slice up the road - pizza and gelato.  Each of us shared something of Ricky's impact on us - it was interesting to hear the children's thoughts.  Keith has frequently shared quirky stories about him and some of his habits and thoughts.  I suspect that this picture postcard of Ricky will remain on our fridge, as he has been a part of our family for the last ten years and it is not easy to discard this type of relationship.  Life has resumed normal routine of sorts this week - a new routine as we don't have to think about Ricky.  We might get to go to the movies this Friday night!