A calm and quieted soul

Last week I listened to my husband speaking to a group of women.  He used an apt illustration that has stayed with me.  He talked about life being a bit like living in a banana tree filled with monkeys trying to eat the bananas. We face countless distractions and demands from those different monkeys and at times it can be chaotic and unsettling.  Whether it is babies, small children, work, busyness, a long “to do list” that never gets completed, exams, study, noise…. I am in that banana tree and it is pretty turbulent and exhausting.

Is it possible with all the clamour, noise and chaos to have a calm and quieted soul? 

Psalm 131, a Psalm written by David describes how to zone out to the monkeys in our tree and sit quietly on a branch and draw breath.

¹ LORD, my heart is not proud;

    my eyes are not haughty.

    I do not get involved with things

    too great or too difficult for me.

    ² Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself
   

   like a little weaned child with its mother;
   

   I am like a little child.

    ³ Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
   

   both now and forever.

In this Psalm, David is not noisy inside.  We have a picture of a quiet, calm man.  This is not the experience of David during his whole life – we all know he had failings – adultery and murder come to mind, but this is a picture of the inner soul of David at a particular time in his life.  

This Psalm also points us to Jesus.  This stillness was true of Jesus’ life – this Psalm gives us a picture of God who became man thinking out loud for us.  He speaks of the stillness of the soul of those who walk closely with God.

David had much to be proud of – he was King, handsome, intelligent, and musical and was clearly adored by his family and those who knew him.  Despite these very qualities, he put them aside to have a heart not proud.  Nor did David look down on those around him.  Sometimes we have such a longing to feel recognized and appreciated that this can often be the only way of achieving this – by looking down on others.  David has learnt not to have a proud heart or haughty eyes. 

Does it matter what our house looks like?  Whether one of our children has a very public tantrum or we perform perfectly in our studies and workplace?  Sometimes these very things are the monkey’s vying for our attention and we become so preoccupied in making ourselves look good that we stress ourselves out completely and feel rattled and unsettled – our self expectations, usually high are the undoing of us.

David has also freed himself from trying to make sense of his world.  There is much that happens in my life, and in the lives of those around me that makes little or no sense.  Sometimes I try and make things better for myself or others, and again, I get overwhelmed, as it is never enough.  There is a challenge to be like David, and simply say “I do not get involved with things too great or too difficult for me”, because it does not help me.  David knows he is not God.  I Sarah Condie, am not God – nor are you.  It is only God who sees life in all its fullness. 

David has a soul that is at peace.  He is quiet inside.  It didn’t come spontaneously.  He learned how to do it.  There is a beautiful picture painted for us of a weaned child sitting on its mother’s lap – this is a picture of a soul at rest.  A weaned child is no longer breastfed.  If a hungry breastfed baby is put in its mother’s lap, it is wriggly and irritable until it is fed.  This same child, once weaned will sit on its mother’s lap, quietly and at peace.

David challenges his readers to put their hope and trust in the Lord.  This is what will free them from their inner restlessness.   Sit quietly in your banana tree, even for five minutes and focus on the Lord and you will find rest for your souls. 

Prayer:  Lord, please give me a calm and quiet soul.  I am positively giddy with trying to stay on my banana tree – there is much to distract, dismay, disappoint and hurt me.  I ask that I can be like that weaned child and sit still.  Please remove the distracting restlessness from me.  Help me to feed on your word and be encouraged to remember to put my hope in you – both today and tomorrow.  Amen.

A little light reading and a little more...

I love reading and usually have a pile of books waiting to be read sitting beside my bed.  I have a somewhat eclectic taste.  I do enjoy a soothing book – a book that is easy to read when nothing terribly bad happens.  Why?  Sometimes I feel the weight of sadness in other people’s lives.  This last week has been particularly hard – and I am only a bystander. 

I have spent time with a woman who lost her eleven year old daughter last December, a woman who has just lost her much longed for baby who died in the womb at 19 weeks, a couple who were struggling to emotionally connect in their marriage and I listened to hurts expressed, a woman whose husband had just lost his job and this is not all.  Sometimes life is hard and sad and sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed and swamped.

Reading light books sometimes helps me and gives me some space to collect my thoughts.  I have just finished reading a series of three such books.  I suspect I am not the only woman who craves to read a book that is pleasant company.  I have a number of women who ask me for suggestions of books to read and they often say “I just want a nice book to read”. I am often lending my books to friends and lose track of them for months at a time and hope they will return.

The Elm Creek Quilt series by Jennifer Chiaverini is not demanding and utterly enjoyable.  Each volume contains three stories.  Recently, I was given the second series as a gift from my work colleagues – they loved the look of the cover and know that I am a mad quilter.  These stories are based around a group of women who live in rural America who are friends and share a passion for creating quilts. 

Mostly, the stories revolve around one particular woman and events that are happening in her life – the stuff of life is present – relationship issues, infertility, wild children and other issues, however, they are stories in which the women survive these events because of their friendship and they are prepared to face up to weaknesses in their own self that they can change.  There is much detail about quilts, so if you have zero interest in quilting, you would probably hate this series.

I found one of the stories The Runaway Quilt particularly interesting, as it explores the family history of one the characters – Sylvia, in which she discovers that her ancestors were involved with smuggling slaves from the South up to the Canadian border to safety.  A particular quilt would be hung on the washing line, indicating that the house was a safe house for slaves to take refuge.  These events took place just before the American Civil War – it is a time in history that I find quite fascinating.

This week I took refuge in these stories.   To be honest, this is not my only solution to escaping life when it becomes overwhelming.  I have recently returned to the gym and regular walking exercise and this helped enormously. 

I do also seek refuge in God’s word – particularly the Psalms.  This last week I have been reading Psalm 77.  The voice of the Psalmist expresses his distress – he feels rejected and abandoned.

“Will the Lord reject forever?

Will he never show his favour again?

Has his unfailing love vanished forever?

Has his promise failed for all time?

Has God forgotten to be merciful?

Has he in anger withheld his compassion”? vv 7-9

These are deep questions that we all have from time to time.  Last week, I felt this, not so much for myself but for my friends.  There was nothing I could do to fix any of the situations other than sit and listen.  However, the Psalmist turns and remembers what he knows to be true about God and reminds himself of how God rescued His people – with His mighty arm, he redeemed the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.  He remembers how the Red Sea parted so His people could walk safely through the waters.

“Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen. 

You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.”  v19-20

God’s footprints are there – we just can’t see them.  I find that immensely reassuring.  This blog post is not just about a little light reading at all.  It is about things that help me walk with friends during times of crises.

Barneys Seven Churches Walk

This coming Saturday our church is holding a walk to help raise funds so we can build a new Barneys.  I am passionate about our church - it has been our church family for twenty years and we have seen many people come to know and love Jesus during this time.  We have watched young people come and be challenged about what they do with the rest of their life and leave equipped to serve God in other churches either in a full-time paid capacity or as fully functioning members of their new family.  My whole family will be walking, as will numerous others - both young and old.  I am looking forward to it immensely.

I know that we could continue meeting without a church building, but there is so much that we could do with a place of their own.

If you would like to sponsor someone you know at Barneys, can I encourage you to do this - every cent counts.  You can sponsor someone online and even leave a message of support.

Peter Fitzsimons mentioned our fundraising last Sunday in his article  "Bitter whine a case of sour grapes, 12 September 2010, SMH - there was this excerpt:

  On a mission

'MEMBER when that famous old church on Broadway – St Barnabas, burnt down four years ago? The one that used to always have the amusing exchanges on its noticeboard with the pub over the road?

"Jesus bowled over death" was met with "And Lillee bowled overarm."

"This church is only for sinners" received the reply, "This pub is only for drinkers."

"Money does not make you happy," was met with "I'd rather be rich and happy than poor and happy." And so on.

Well, they're finally starting to rebuild it. The church has been a part of the fabric of Sydney for more than 150 years. It was built by a rogue English evangelist in what he described as "the worst place in the colony" and it was later the church of Arthur Stace, otherwise known as "Mr Eternity". Anyhoo, on Saturday, as part of its fund-raising, the church is holding its inaugural Seven Churches Walk to raise money for the rebuilding. See www.barneys.org.au

Add to the Beauty

In early 2006 Keith bought me a Cd by my favourite Christian singer Sara Groves called "Add to the Beauty".  At the time I was not well and was unable to work or function and I spent a huge amount of time listening to it and the words touched me profoundly.  Sara Groves wrote this album in response to the injustices that she saw happening in the world and to raise awareness and promote the work of the International Justice Mission which is a human rights agency that secures justice for victims of slavery, sexual exploitation and other forms of violent oppression. IJM lawyers, investigators and aftercare professionals work with local officials to ensure immediate victim rescue and aftercare, to prosecute perpetrators and to promote functioning public justice systems.  They are a Christian organisation and their work has been in my heart and prayers since first hearing about them.


In the life before my illness, I did some part time work for my church working with young women in the evening congregation.  I used to meet up regularly with Amber, a young lawyer who was working for a large law firm and wondering what she should do with her life.  We had many conversations about God, life and praying that God would equip her to do    His work in the world.  About a year later, Amber then left her job and went with her husband to India where she worked with the International Justice Mission.  During her time there, she was involved in helping a number of villagers who had become slaves to a brick kiln owner and forced to work long, hard hours, locked up, beaten and the women were gang raped repeatedly - all to pay back a debt that grew ever larger.  The IJM managed to free these women and bring the owner of the kiln to justice - the government repatriated those who had been enslaved.  There was a law making slavery a crime, but no one had ever enforced it and men like this particular owner had always gotten away with breaking the law.


The work of IJM inspires me - but I also feel overwhelmed by the immensity of the injustices that people face world wide - I want to close my eyes and ears and pretend that it is not happening.  But it is.  I am not a lawyer, I am not a doctor and I feel ill equipped to do much that can help.  However, I have always prayed and I have prayed.  The words of one of Sara Groves had a huge impact on me and formed part of a prayer that I have prayed for over four years:

We come to every new morning with possibilities only we can hold....  I want to add to the beauty to tell a better story... shine with the light that is burning up inside.  It comes in small inspirations, it brings redemption to our life and our words.  It comes in loving community, it comes in helping a soul find its worth.  This is grace - an invitation to be beautiful.

Over these years, as I have struggled with my health, it has not been possible for me to do much at times other than survive.  Last year was particularly bad, but I still wanted to do something a little more.  I started supporting IJM financially.  I met up with Amber, who had returned from India to ask her what I could do to support the work of the IJM.  I told her that I could sew - I wondered whether I could make things to sell and give the money to IJM and raise awareness of their work.  Fabric and cottons and wadding are not cheap, so I prayed that God would provide me with these things.

Sadly, one of my dear friend's Mother died about a year ago, leaving behind a room filled with unused fabric, cottons and other stuff.  Out of the blue, my friend called and asked me if I could use her mothers things? Could I?  Wow - what an amazing answer to my prayer.  I filled my car with her things and then had to find a place in my cupboards at home.  I love making things, but every time I make something, I give it away - so I was not keeping up with my desire to give gifts and my dream of making things to sell.  Also, I am a perfectionist and want to make things that are beautiful and this takes time.

Last Saturday our church held a women's conference titled "Let your light so shine..."  There were a number of stalls for women to look at to raise their awareness of different ministries that women are involved in.  I was asked to run the stall for the International Justice Mission.  I had hoped to make some quilts for babies, some bags and brooches.... alas, these hopes were dashed as my life has been filled with other stuff - including making quilts to give away.  O Sarah - I despair.

About ten days ago, I suddenly thought about another way of making money.  I love taking photos.  Ever since I have been unwell, I have had a camera that I have used to take pictures of the tiny things in life that are beautiful.  It has given me enormous pleasure and I have made numerous cards which I have used myself to write, or give away in packs as gifts.  I thought that I could make some cards and sell these.  I also love to encourage snail mail.  There is something special about getting a handwritten card in the post - that someone has taken the time to sit and write and then to put it in a letter box with a postage stamp.

I have just had a significant birthday and one of my favourite aunts gave me some money.  I knew that she wanted me to buy something special - just for me.  So I did - I bought a teapot which is simply beautiful.  However, I had much change left over which enabled me to buy the makings for 150 cards.  I then filled every spare moment in a very busy patch making cards.  Last Saturday, I had these cards at the stall promoting the IJM.  I have ten cards remaining and made $350!

One of the other stalls was promoting Kairos - a ministry to those in prison.  The woman hosting this stall runs a retreat for women from Emu Plains every year.  Shirley writes a card for each participant and asked me if she could buy 20 cards.  I wanted to give them to her as I think her ministry is so invaluable. However, she is very happy to support my ministry, so she will pay me for these cards - this was my first bulk order!

Several women have indicated that they would like to help me make more cards to sell.  Several others, on hearing my story, which I shared about sewing things expressed a desire to get involved.  One of my favourite songs is written by Paul Kelly "from little things, big things grow".  My idea is so little that it is doable.  Even little old me could do it and I did.  This morning I have a song in my heart, Psalm 145 sums up what I want to express to God.

A quilt for May

I have just finished this lap quilt for my Mother-in-law May.  After her stroke before Christmas, she has made a remarkable recovery and is home being cared for full time by her husband of over fifty years.  He is an inspiration as their lives are altered beyond comparison.
May spends most of her day sitting in their back room which can be quite cold.  I made this quilt for her to put over her knees.  It is a two-sided quilt - one that is bright and cheerful - the fabrics begged to be made how it has turned out - I had no plan - it just happened, while I made the other side more mellow and muted, so she can decide whether she needs cheering or soothing.
I have made a number of quilts recently for babies, so it was fun to make one for a person of more mature years.  It is soft and snuggly and hopefully will keep her warm.
I gave this quilt to May last weekend and she looked thrilled to receive it.  Communicating is not easy for her, but there were many smiles - Alan, her husband told us that she had rarely smiled during the previous week.  I machine pieced the front and back and hand quilted it using an embroidery cotton.  I love this range of fabrics and two other projects designed using them.

Truth by Peter Temple

Two nights ago I finished reading Peter Temple's latest book Truth.  To be perfectly honest, I breathed a sigh of relief when I reached its final page.  Peter Temple is an earthy writer and I felt like I had spent  my reading time in the gutter in Melbourne - it depicts the darkness of our world that I sometimes try to pretend does not exist - but exist it does and this book confronts the reader with its reality in all its shades of blackness and evilness.
This morning I awoke to the news that this book has won this years Miles Franklin Award.  Am I surprised?  I haven't read any of the other books that were shortlisted but it is rare for a crime writer to be awarded such a prestigious writing award.  One of the criteria for the judging is that the book "must present Australian life in its many phases".    This book certainly does this.  It is just not a pleasant phase to read about.
Most of us will have watched Underbelly on television and read reports in the media about the criminal under life of Melbourne.  We have also watched the recent bushfires and its impact on the surrounds of this city.  Peter Temple combines these two themes into his book - it is summer, hot, smoky, smelly and we are confronted with the death of a young woman, closely followed by a gangland torture killing.  Steve Villani, the head of the Homicide squad is set to investigate both these crimes, but is strongly warned off investigating the death of the woman.  This does not stop him or his team.  As the story unfolds, we find out about Villani's childhood, his family life, his disintegrated marriage, his daughter Lizzy and her drug problems, as well as the corruption in the government, police department and the lives of the rich and wealthy.
Temple is understated in his writing, and uses words sparingly and well.  Despite the lack of flowery descriptive language, I can smell the fire, feel the relentless heat and see the world that he describes - quite remarkable.  The theme of truth unites all the different stories into one complete story - Villani is determined to find out the truth about what really happened to the girl who died who bears an uncanny resemblance to his daughter Lizzy.  He is also confronted with facing the truths about his own life - how his father feels about him, his past and why his marriage is over, also what sort of father has he been to his own children?
There is wonderful description in the book of a forest that Villani and his father planted years ago - it is the only place of beauty and sanctuary to exist in the entire book.  Even it is threatened by the fire - but miraculously survives: "Scorched, the outer trees singed.  They would lose some.  But everywhere, in their circles and clumps and paths, the oaks were in full glorious summer green leaf."  This single sentence could easily be missed, but indicates to me, the reader that truth will prevail - it survives - as does Villani.
This morning I read Psalm 52, and in a way, this book is almost a modern day tale with a similar theme.  In this world, there are those who love evil, who store up much wealth, and who love falsehood rather than speaking the truth, those who trust in their own wealth and grow strong by destroying others.    David ends this Psalm:

But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever.  I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good.  I will praise you in the presence of your saints."  v8-9

There is an encouragement in the book, that the evil will one day be laid bare and shown for what they really are.  Truth does survive all. The challenge is to continue to put my trust and energy in the things of God - they will stand and survive.
If you love a good crime thriller, you will want to read this one.  Henning Mankell writes similarly about life in Sweden.  It is almost easier to read books like this that are set in another country.  Sadly, there is no Commissario Brunetti, who is the main character in all of Donna Leon's books, who writes about similar themes, she manages to sooth her readers with the wonderful descriptions of his home life and the food he eats and his little visits to coffee shops.  There is none of that in Truth - it is relentless and harrowing.

Priorities of a wise Mum 10

Couple with seven children in front of their cottage with bark roof, Hill End, 1871-1875 / American & Australasian Photographic Company, originally uploaded by State Library of New South Wales collection.


I don't have seven children and I certainly don't live in a home that resembles this.  Imagine doing all of life in a space like this - with seven children!  Especially when the weather is wet day after day - it makes me understand where the expression "cabin fever" might have derived its meaning.
Last night I was listening to two women speak about their lives overseas.  One lives in Paris, the other in Florence and both have four children.  How does that sound?  Wouldn't their lives be wonderful living in such culturally rich places?  What a difference to the above photo where this Mum lived in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by mud.  However, both these women have lived in very small apartments and the weather for most of the year in that part of the world is cold and wet.  I am sure they both regularly experience cabin fever.  Both women shared how in the midst of wet weather, they would dress their children up in wet and warm weather gear and get out to let off steam.
I remember a holiday from years ago when I was a child, we were at a beach house, us and another family and we had had a week of cold,wet weather.  One morning after breakfast, my mother told us to dress in our swimmers, with rain jackets and go to the beach and entertain ourselves.  She didn't want to see us again until lunch time.  Cabin fever.  She had probably had enough of scritching and scratching, and noisy children.  It is only now, years later that I finally understand her behaviour.

One of my favourite childrens picture books is called Five Minutes Peace by Jill Murphy.  It is about the Large family, and Mrs Larges attempt to find five minutes peace from her children, by shutting herself in the bathroom and having a hot bath.  Her peace lasts for three minutes and forty five seconds.
A wise Mum understands the reality of cabin fever and has developed strategies to cope when cabin fever hits.  I liked what my friends from Europe did - they headed outdoors to allow their children to let off steam.  I am sure this was my Mother's intention all those years ago.  Having lived most of my life with small children in smallish inner city houses, this was one of my coping strategies - we had a dose of the park - daily.
Last week I spent the morning with a group of young Mums from my church - they meet every week for bible study and prayer and general support.  Most of them looked tired - a couple had faced a major tantrum with their child before breakfast, some had tiny babies and had been woken during the night for feeding, several were fighting colds while for others, it had been an effort to get there at all.  On reflection, I think some of these women have cabin fever and need five minutes peace from life.
This is where good friends can be balm - letting a friend or relative look after your children so that you can have a break and collect your thoughts, your brain, your energy, your self-respect and integrity.  If you feel slightly feverish and cooped up, can I encourage you to ask someone for help -  if they could look after your children, even for an hour, just so you can have some space.
Getting out and time out are helpful, however, there is another coping strategy that we are good at forgetting.
For the last ten days I have been immersing myself in Psalm 62 and soaking the riches its words contain.  It is a beautiful Psalm, filled with the image that our God is a rock, a fortress, our salvation, our hope and our refuge.  Reading it, I get the sense that David, who wrote the Psalm is almost reminding himself that his soul can find rest in God.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation;  he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.  My salvation and my honour depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.  Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.  Psalm 62:5-8

I love the idea that we can pour our hearts out to God - any time and that He is there as a refuge.  When cabin fever hits - we can take refuge by turning to God and telling him how we feel - He will cope with this.  Even finding a space on your own, open your bible and reading this Psalm and praying will help you survive cabin fever.  Try it.

Priorities of a wise Mum 9

caterpillar to butterfly by jungle mama.  Photo found on flickr.
What an exquisite photo!  I have always loved butterflies.  I love the life cycle of the butterfly, which is one reason why I adore the story of the very hungry caterpillar by Eric Carle.  This rather dull and tiny caterpillar pops out of an egg and  begins to eat and eat and eat until he becomes one very fat caterpillar.  After putting himself into a cocoon he emerges completely transformed into a beautiful butterfly.  I remember becoming a Christian and feeling a bit like that caterpillar - I emerged a new and unique creature.  It was a miracle of sorts - just as every time a butterfly emerges from that cocoon - it is a reminder of the beginnings of new life.  Life as a butterfly...life as a Christian...how do we continue living life as if we are that beautiful butterfly?

...since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." Colossians 3:9-10

Isn't that new self a beautiful creature in contrast to the old?  How is it possible to develop and cultivate this new self?  A wise Mum, indeed any wise Christian woman will know that this is a good thing to work on.  And yet, Mums with babies and small children will probably struggle with this. Most of the time we don't feel like a butterfly, let alone a beautiful butterfly.
Are you familiar with the story of Mary and Martha.  For years, I identified strongly with Martha.  Why did Mary get commended?  It was Martha who was bustling around getting food ready, cleaning up and  doing the chores while Mary simply sat.  But she wasn't simply sitting, she was seated at the feet of her Lord - Jesus - and she listened to his words.  Jesus simply told Martha that Mary "had chosen what was better." (Luke 10:38-42).
Good, better, best.  In life we will often have to make choices on how we spend our time and a wise Mum knows the value of turning towards Jesus and doing this regularly day after day - not just when she feels inclined.
After children arrive, it is hard to have long uninterrupted blocks of time to read the bible, listen to a sermon on an ipod or spend time praying.  We can set the bar too high and in the process we turn away from our Lord.  It is easy to fill our day with distractions.  There is always something that needs doing, seeing to, fixing or just our time and energy.
Some practical suggestions:

• Think about your daily routine and work out a time that might be a "doable" time.  Are you an early morning person?  Are you a night owl?  What are your children's routines?  Do they have a sleep or rest time?  Decide on a time and see if you can commit to it each week day.  Start with just 5-10 minutes - even five minutes most week days is better than no minutes a day.  If we are women who regularly set time aside to be with our Lord - God will use His word to change us and make us more Christlike.  God uses His word to nourish our souls and to feed our hearts and minds.  If we don't read it, we will gradually starve and stop looking like that butterfly. If this seems all too hard, don't berate yourself or be too hard on yourself.  Sometimes life can be hard and just to get through each day is enough.  However, it is something that is of immense help and encouragement if and when it happens.

• Don't give up the habit of meeting with God's people.  With small children and busy lives, it is tempting to use Sunday morning as the catch up morning to sleep in, to be slow and to have five minutes peace.  Or, do you belong to a bible study group?  Don't stop going.  Don't let children's sleep routines distract from time with God's people, listening to His word being read and spoken about, spending time with His people praying for each other and encouraging each other.  I love this exhortation:

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.  And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.  Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching."  Hebrews 10:24-25 

Good, better and best.  We will constantly have to choose how to spend our time. Don't you want to keep being like that butterfly?

Priorities of a wise Mum 8

Happy Couple, originally uploaded by Just Us 3.
This is a favourite photo of mine.  If you follow the link,  you can read the story about this couple.  They call each other Dear and Honey.  They have clearly been together a long time and enjoy sharing their lives with each other.  This photo captures something beautiful about a marriage that is happy and connected.  A wise Mum recognises that her marriage is a central relationship in her life.  You won't just drift into a happy marriage.  Your children will not grow up, leave home for you to then have a deeply fulfilling and happy marriage.  If you are not investing in your marriage now, it won't be there when you reach a new season in your life.
A couple who are not emotionally connected are a couple who are unhappy and lonely.  It is quite possible to hide the extent to which the hurt and disappointment you are feeling is impacting you both,  and it can be quite a surprise to friends and church communities when a relationship breaks down.  It does not have to be that way and it does not involve making gigantic steps that seem like hard work.
The best gift you can give your children is a good marriage.  It is the best gift you can give your church community and the best gift you can give to our broader community.  When a marriage breaks down, lots of people suffer and there will be a ripple effect that continues to impact the lives of others.
If you are reading this and have three children under the age of five, this will probably be one of the most challenging times in your marriage.  It is hard work!  I remember being told this at a marriage workshop, as I sat knitting, heavily pregnant with my third child.  I heard it and then experienced it first hand.
It will usually be the wife who recognises warning signs that all is not going well in a marriage.  If you feel like there are some cracks, you can do something about it - seek the counsel of an older woman who you trust as a start - don't leave it too late or hope that magically, things will improve on their own - they won't.  Often the first step to rebuilding emotional connection is admitting that things could be better and making a decision to do something about it.
If this is not your experience, give thanks to God and continue to nurture your relationship with your husband - invest by setting aside "couple time", have fun together and show appreciation for each other.  If you love your children, invest in your marriage.
Last night in bible study, we looked at this passage from the book of Hebrews:

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."  Hebrews 4:14-16

This passage follows an earlier verse about how God sees into the very core of our beings - that everything is uncovered and laid bare before Him.  When things are not good, it is tempting to want to hide away with shame.  These verses are a strong exhortation to each of us to approach the throne of grace - at any time when we are in need.  My prayer for each of you who read this, is that you will not only hold firmly to your faith, but will also ask for help in facing your hurts, disappointments and vulnerabilities. 

After River

I have been a bit like a caterpillar of late, as I have read my way through a huge pile of books that I was fortunate enough to get and it has been wonderful.  I have recently finished reading this book "After River".  It is written by Donna Milner and she writes beautifully.  If you have read any of Joyce Carol Oates's books with any enjoyment, you will like this book.  It reminded me of "We were the Mulvaneys" which is harrowing to read, but memorable and thought provoking.  As is this book.

River is the name of a young man who arrives at a dairy farm in British Columbia in the mid 1960s.  River is an American draft dodger, who has illegally crossed the border to escape the Vietnam war.  The Ward family are dairy farmers in a tiny rural community.  The story is told by Natalie, the youngest and only daughter who is fifteen when River arrives.

The narrative moves backwards and forwards in time and the reader gradually fills in the gaps about what happens in the mid 1960s two years after Rivers arrival that tears this close family wide apart, shattering and changing their lives for ever.  It is a story about shame, secrets, small town prejudices, harboured hurts and the loss of innocence and the impact of an event on each member of this family.  It is sad and I had tears streaming down my face by the end.  There is much in the book that you could say is too coincidental or contrived, but it might have happened.  I was reluctantly drawn into the world of Atwood - a remote village in the Rockies and felt as if I was an invisible observer and participant.

It is easy to think that life was better in the "good old days", where there was no internet, computers, mobile phones, and that life in a small country village was wholesome and without problems.  Isn't that the problem the Israelites had?  Soon after they had been freed from slavery in Egypt, they were grumbling and complaining.  All they could think about was the food they had to eat - it was if they have forgotten the hardships of life in Egypt, as in their minds they had forgotten all of that in the light of the present hardships they were facing.  We can do this today and think that our life would be better, easier or less complicated if we lived in a remote village - away from the evils and perils of today. We could protect our children and ourselves if we lived in such a world.  Reading this book made me realise that life was fairly complicated back then too - many of the prejudices and "taboo subjects were the background to my childhood - I am not that sure that I would like to return to such a world.

I liked all the characters in this book and felt their realness, their pain and their hurts.  I can imagine what Atwood must be like - dominated by high mountains, five months of snow, and living in the shadows of the mountains that plunged the valley into darkness for most of the year - not always the idyllic place of our imagination.

Priorities of a wise Mum 7

Seasons of Life.jpg, originally uploaded by mbmc2122.
I have not written a blog post for a while for a number of reasons, but one concerns the seasonal nature of life.  Life has its seasons and a wise Mum understands this reality.  Living in Sydney, we don't really get to taste the four seasons of the year - it seems to move from summer to winter without much autumn.  I have a confused flowering plum tree in my garden who often thinks that autumn is the time to blossom and then it is flowering again in September.  But Ecclessiastes 3 looks at life in this way:  "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.  A time to be born and a time to die, .. a time to weep and a time to laugh..." 
If you are a mother of small children and babies, it is worth reminding yourself daily that this is a season and that it will pass.  I have three children who no longer demand to be read to, sung to, cuddled, nor do they throw totally irrational tantrums while out - they have passed that stage.  

Two weeks ago, I was plunged back into this season while looking after my nephew and niece.  Their  "stay at home dad" was having surgery and their Mum works full time.  I looked after them for four days and came home exhausted.  What did I do during this time?  I survived.  I tried to keep two children happy, fed, watered and safe and it was full on.  I didn't have much energy left to do anything else.  Jaden has down syndrome and is aged four, but he is reaching his normal milestones slowly.  Talia is 18 months old, but in many ways is easier to care for than her older brother.  
I took Jaden to his early intervention program and then had to work out the logistics of removing two children from a car in a car park and walking them safely to the playground.  We visited a number of parks, with no gates, right beside Lake Macquarie.  Sometimes they both decided to run - in opposite directions - one towards the road, the other towards the water.  I didn't attempt a shopping trip with the two of them.  We had mini picnics sitting in the sunshine, we read numerous books, we sang endless songs, we giggled together, I changed nappies from wriggling bodies and I cuddled them through furious tantrums, I put them to bed and hoped they would sleep.  I was in bed at 8.30 every night - even the lure of "PS I love You" on television was not enough to tempt me to stay up - I needed to sleep.
This season of life is physically exhausting and if you are a mother with children of this age, let me tell you - it is hard work!  You do this stuff day in and day out relentlessly, and it must seem unending.  But.... it passes, that is if you stop having babies.
It is easy to focus on the negatives of this season of life and yes, they are there, but there are many special joys - I love spending time at parks in the sunshine - this is not something I do any more.  I love reading children's picture books - surprisingly, I no longer have children who clamour for another story.  I love singing songs with children but today, my children never ask me to sing with them - they would probably die of embarrassment if I burst out into song.  Each morning these children would greet me with the biggest smiles and the biggest cuddles - that was so lovely.  Yes, it was an early start, but their happiness was infectious.
A girl in my bible study group is about to give birth to her first child.  She told me that she is not worried about being a Mum to a baby, but she is worried about being a Mum to a teenager.  But we sow the seeds of what our children will be like as teenagers when they are small.  If you are a wise Mum, you are able to focus on the season you are in with its good parts and not so good parts and know in your mind that it will pass and a new season will begin - all in good time.
The year that I had a son start High School, my other son was doing his HSC was when I had a mild stroke.  Not exactly a good time to go out of action as a mother.  Looking back, I am certain that part of us surviving as a family during that year was from the time I had invested in my children when they were small.  They were full on, but that was pretty much my life and all I did.  If you are finding this season hard, the answer is not to distract yourself with other stuff or long for when your children are older.  The best thing to do is to commit your angst, your frustrations, your tiredness to the Lord and ask Him to lift you, to energise you and to be content with this particular season.

But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my saviour; my God will hear me.  Micah 7:7

Priorities of a wise Mum 6

Ice cased Adelie penguins after a blizzard at Cape Denison / photograph by Frank Hurley, originally uploaded by State Library of New South Wales collection.
I love this photo for many reasons, but it seems to fit with what I want to say about a wise Mum and communication.  A wise Mum knows that listening to her children matters - even when they say things that we don't want to hear.  This is a picture of a penguin who is moulting and losing its baby feathers.  I am wondering what this penguin is trying to communicate - he looks like he is covered in ice and is freezing cold - but perhaps he is flapping his wings - excited that he is finally growing up.  I can't answer this question.
Our children will repeatedly say things that we will not want to hear.  I can recall countless examples from my own life.  Take for example the time when my oldest child Michael was not yet three.  Even then, he was articulate and good at arguing his case.  I was walking to bible study with my one year old in the pram and he was walking beside me.  He told me very clearly and loudly that he didn't want to go to creche.  I told him that he had to go, that he would have a lovely time playing with the other children.  He then said that he was too shy to go to creche and this was why he didn't want to go.  I then engaged in a long conversation with him about why he was not a shy boy, but a very friendly happy boy.  I failed to listen to him on that day and I have failed to listen to him on other occasions.  What was he trying to tell me?  Simply that he didn't want to go to creche and if I had bothered to scoop him into my arms and ask him more, he would have told me that he just wanted to be with me and stay at home.  At the time, I was more concerned with my own agenda - namely to have a time of adult conversation, bible study and a break from my children.
Listening to our children is important.  If we can't listen to them when they are little and take what they say seriously, how can we expect them to grow up into teenagers who will tell us how they are feeling?  I am not saying we will agree with what they say, but they need to know that they have been heard and understood.  It is not always easy to hear what our children have to say.  It might be inconvenient, difficult, or you feel like you have heard this before and are totally over this particular conversation.   
There are two proverbs that I think wise Mums ought to memorise and ponder:

• "He who answers before listening - that is his folly and his shame."  Proverbs 18:13
• "Do you see a man who speaks in haste?  There is more hope for a fool than for him." Proverbs 29:20

Let me share a perpetual conversation that I have had with my third child for over thirteen years.    Johnny would tell me that he didn't want to go to pre-school or school.  I would respond with "so you don't want to go - can you tell me what you would like to do?"  He would then tell me that he would love to stay at home and just potter around at home.  I would then say how this sounded like a lovely way to spend a day.  How, I would love to have a quiet day at home too.  After spending a bit of time dreaming with him about what he would like to do,  much to my amazement, he has always happily gone to school. He never made a fuss, threw a tantrum or anything. And the conversation would have  lasted five minutes max.   It was as though, all he wanted was to tell me how he was feeling, and having done that, he was ready to face his day.  I still have this exact same conversation with Johnny and he is almost seventeen.  

There is something about listening to our child, taking what they say seriously that is soothing and helpful to them. There is another Proverb that is challenging:

• "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" Proverbs 15:1
• "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."  Proverbs 16:24

In the interaction I had with Michael, I responded harshly and I certainly did not help the situation.  He went to creche unhappy, misunderstood and probably feeling unloved.  In the interactions I have had with Johnny, I was able to sooth and help him face his day.  

If we can't listen to our children when they are little, we will not magically be able to listen to them when they hit those teenage years and believe me, there will be times when they will say things that we will not want to hear.  But I want to be a Mum who is there for my children - be their biggest fans and supporters - I love them and I show them I love them by listening to them.

A very helpful book on listening to our children is "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  I have also stumbled across a blog written by a New Zealand  Mum who is very wise.  She talks about listening to our children also in her posts.  Check it out:  this week with the kids.  Cathy is a wise Mum.  Finally, I have made a card for those of you who would like to become a mother who listens well.  It is always a "work in progress".  

http://www.flickr.com/photos/9788687@N03/4558957043/

Priorities of a wise Mum 5

This is a picture of Alexander on the morning of his terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  From the moment he wakes up everything seems to go wrong.  This timeless picture book called Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst is one of my favourite stories. We are all going to have good days, not so good days and bad days and sometimes, very bad days. It seems to me this is just a part of life.
 It is a part of the pattern of life described by the writer of Ecclesiastes.  "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance"  Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4.  We could add a verse of our own "A time for good days when everything goes our way and a time for bad days when everything seems to go badly wrong."   The Mum in this particular story is a wise Mum.  She does not rescue Alexander from this particular terrible, horrible no good very bad day, but lets him deal with it.  She doesn't promise to buy him a new box of cereal when he discovers that his cereal is the only box of cereal with no toy, nor does she apologise for forgetting to put dessert in his lunch box, and even at the end of the day, she doesn't tell Alexander that he can wear his favourite pyjamas because he has had a bad day.  Alexander's mother responds quite simply to his plea that it has been a terrible horrible no good very bad day by saying "some days are like that".

From a very young age, we can be teaching our children how to deal with life when things don't go our way.  We don't have to make our children feel better, nor do we need to rescue them.  We can encourage them to express how they feel about a situation by listening to them and allowing them to have a "little rant", but this is all we need to do.
This book was a great favourite in our family.  Our children regularly took this book to bed with them -  Perhaps they could identify with Alexander's day.  I certainly could.  For me there was a freedom and permission to have a bad day and openly label it a bad day.  Surely we all have days that don't seem to go so well.  We had a little conversation that centred around the truth of this book:
"How was your day?  I had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" and the other would respond "That's no good, it's not nice to have a day like that is it? ... but then, some days are like that  - aren't they?"
What I particularly like about this book, is that Alexander reaches the conclusion that perhaps his mother is right - that some days are bad days - even in Australia.  We have the American version of this book, which always made us laugh, as Alexander plans to move to Australia, which to him is on the other side of the world.  The Australian version uses Timbucktoo.
There is nothing wrong with verbalising how we are feeling about life when bad things happen - Alexander does this openly and his mother lets him.  She even has the audacity to serve him lima beans for dinner, knowing full well that he hates lima beans - again, she doesn't offer an alternative.  At the end of the book, we leave Alexander sound asleep at the end of his terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.  He manages to self sooth, or use his own thoughts to make sense of his day.  This is the challenge for Mums - to equip our children to deal with the blows of life and I like the example set by Alexander's Mother.
Psalm 13 provides us with another picture of someone having a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.  David is obviously feeling completely overwhelmed and swamped:

How long, O Lord?  Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?  How long will my enemy triumph over me?  Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.  Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him, and my foes will rejoice when I fall." vv 1-4

 David ends his outburst by reminding himself of things he knows to be true about God:

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.  vv 5-6

 David is an adult and he models here a way of dealing with despair and a difficult season in life that is wise and godly.  We can begin helping our children deal with the disappointments, frustrations, hurts and sadnesses that will inevitably come their way.  I would like to write a version of this Psalm for children.

Easter Day

This is our very newest Godson Jacob and we attended his baptism today. Three adults and four children were baptised during the service and it involved a rainwater tank that took five and a half hours to fill!  Jacob had water splashed over his head by his Dad, the Pastor at his church - it was a moving event - Easter day seems a fitting occasion to celebrate new life, new birth and for the parents, godparents and church family to make promises on behalf of the children to be involved in their Christian upbringing through prayer and modeling the love of God.  I thought that Keith and I were too old to be asked to be Godparents ever again, so we were honoured to be invited to be a part of Jacob's life.  Keith was asked to pray and this was his prayer:

Heavenly Father, We thank you for your gift of life and especially for your gift of new life through the death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ.  In your grace and by the power of your Holy Spirit, please make the promises made on behalf of Jacob a reality in his life.  Enable Steve and Naomi to raise him in the fear and nurture of the Lord that he might know the freedom and joy of sins forgiven and ever live for your praise and glory.  Amen.

It has been a special Easter weekend.  Yesterday our family had brunch with our friends Steve and Naomi and their boys.  Michael cooked us his scrambled eggs which are pretty fantastic.  Then our family friend Jemima and Susannah spent the afternoon cooking up a three course feast which we shared with Jemima's family last night.  It has been far too long since our families have spent time together, and we all enjoyed this precious time.  The girls did a great job and seemed very organised and professional.  We have suggested to Ben and Johnny that they attempt a similar banquet.  I have been through five dozen eggs this Easter - we have done so much cooking!  I am not sure I have been through that many eggs ever!  Eggs are a good thing to cook at this time of year - they symbolise new life.
It has been a while since I have spent so much time with my children.  On Thursday night, we ate our traditional passover meal with my sister and her family before attending a special service of readings at our church.  We all went to church again on Friday morning before taking lunch over to Keith's parents place.  Keith's Mum is home from hospital and making good progress.  She has good days and not so good days, but she enjoys seeing her family and enjoyed sitting in the sunshine eating lunch with us.  That afternoon I got to spend time with my friend Nicky who was visiting from Melbourne.  She was up with one of her sons for a couple of days.  We sat in the garden and wished there was a group we could attend like the Friday Morning Group we used to attend which helped us as young Mums.  We would love to talk about living with adult children and nurturing their independence without losing sleep or hair.
I am not used to doing so much socialising, so tomorrow, I plan to sleep.

Priorities of a wise Mum 4

Amelia's supersonic ear, originally uploaded by awmogul.


I was waiting for someone to point out to me that I had omitted something from my last post.  There is a fourth way we can show our children that we love them and this is with the words we speak to them.  A wise Mum knows that her child has supersonic ears and will hear any and every conversation involving them.  The doors might be closed, your house might have thick walls, but somehow, they seem to be able to hear these conversations.  Don't get me wrong, they don't seem to hear with the same sensitivity when we ask them to do a task or run an errand - it is like they have "selective supersonic hearing".
Ross Campbell in his book "How to Really Love Your Child" explains how our words can be used to show our children our love for them.  It is more than saying to our children "I love you".  It is how you speak about them.  There are two Proverbs that seem to express the power of our words very clearly:

• "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."  Proverbs 16:24
• "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."  Proverbs 12:18

The words we use to speak about our children can build them up, encourage them, nurture them and make them feel ok about themselves.  However they can also crush them, hurt them and leave them feeling inadequate and unloved.  There have been times in my life as a mother, when I have had to work very hard at curbing the words I spoke about my children when they were in hearing distance.  It might have been over a coffee with a good friend while our children played, at a park with a group of other Mums or when my husband returned home at the end of the day.  Sometimes, my children had driven me wild, and I couldn't think of anything positive to say about them.  This is the time to shut up.

I had to consciously think, ok what is something positive or good that I can say about my child that has happened today - not always easy - and say that and leave my rant for later, behind closed doors and in a soundproof room.

Priorities of a wise Mum 3

Two of my favourite picture books that I read constantly to my children are called Love you Forever by Robert Munsch and The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown.  I loved them for a truth they communicated about how much a mother loves her child.  In the Runaway Bunny, the little bunny wanted to run away, but his mother told him she would run after him because "you are my little bunny".  Love you forever expresses the love a mother has for her child from birth to old age. It is rather sentimental and usually brings a tear to my eye, but there is a little verse that expresses a deep truth that a wise Mum wants to communicate to her child:  "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

How do we show our children that we love them?   And I mean unconditionally love them? Do they feel loved only when they have pleased us?  When they have been good?    Do we love our children in the same manner that God loves us?  Unconditionally.  Without reservation.
To be perfectly honest, this is one of the hardest jobs I have ever been asked to do.  I think it would be easier to go bungy jumping and sky diving than to love my children in the same manner that God loves me.  If unconditional love was not modelled to us as a child, then it is even more difficult.  It is easy to leave our home, go to bible study, church or play group and put on a bright friendly smile, race around like a headless chook and come home totally exhausted to our children who we have no reserves left to deal with at all.  Our children need more than us telling them with words that we love them and apologies for our tiredness and grumpiness - yet again.
I am always challenged by how much God loves me:  "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called the children of God!"  1 John 3:1 or look at Psalm 103 in which the love of God for his people is expressed very clearly.  This is who we need to model ourselves on and pray that God will fill us with love for our children day in and day out.
If you are struggling with loving your children, take time to remind yourself of God's deep and unconditional love for you by pondering the words of this Psalm.
In Paul's letters to the Corinthians, he says something to his readers that is rather interesting.  He is clearly frustrated by their behaviour and is strongly rebuking them and he then says:  "What do you prefer?  Shall I come to you with a whip, or in love and with a gentle spirit?"  (I Cor 4:21.) Our children are children and by definition will behave childishly, irritatingly and annoyingly - constantly and the challenge is to not meet it with aggression, anger and harshness but with love and a gentle spirit.  I don't know about you, but I find this a hard call.
One of the wisest parenting gurus I know is Ross Campbell and he has written a number of books that explain in practical ways how to love our children with unconditional love.  I was given a copy of his book "How to really love your child" when Michael was four weeks old.  It is short and easy to read and I read it in one sitting and then returned to the beginning and read it more slowly.  Amazingly, it provided me with the tools and strategies to show my child - a tiny baby that I loved him, and amazingly, he is now almost 22 and it still provides me with the tools and strategies to show him, now a fine young man that I love him.
There are three ways we can demonstrate to our children that they are loved.  We can use eye contact - looking directly into our children's eyes - and not just when we are cross with them, physical contact - which will vary depending on age - cuddles, hand on shoulder, ruffled hair, back massage, and focussed attention - time alone with each child in which you do something just with them and you give them your undivided attention - your mobile phone is switched off, you are not giving them continual partial attention but your full attention.  Doing these things regularly with each of our children fills their emotional tanks and communicates that we love them.  I have made a new postcard based on Psalm 103.

You can follow the link to download and print and put it somewhere to remind yourself that our God is a God of love.  A wise Mum is one who approaches her children with this same love and a gentle spirit.