"Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." Colossians 3:21
I have often pondered over these verses as a mother and what they mean in relation to raising my children. I think these verses apply to mothers just as much as fathers. I have to confess that I have often been the source of exasperation and discouragement to my children and I have regularly had to revisit my parenting skills and strategies for dealing with what I call the "perpetual issues".
What are these perpetual issues? Things such as the early morning routine before school and getting everyone out the door dressed, with lunch box in the bag, homework completed and in the bag, music practice completed, teeth cleaned, hair brushed.... Or, where would each of my children sit for meal times and whose turn was it to sit where in the car? These are the issues where we want our children to be "perfect" and do exactly what we want - it certainly makes for a peaceful life and who wants to live in a constant battle ground with children arguing over whose turn it is?
Last night I had a phone conversation with my sister-in-law Julie and we talked about a conference she had recently attended about raising special needs children. They have a gorgeous special needs child Jaden who will turn four soon. He has a younger sister Talia who is full of energy and determination. One of the speakers talked about helping children develop skills in problem solving. He said that the part of the brain that developed this function was often under developed in children because they were raised in families where they were constantly told what to do and expected to behave and where they were rescued by their parents rather than having to face any consequences of their actions.
This conversation made me think about what I had done when dealing with the perpetual issues with my own children - how did I manage to get them to "behave" without crushing their spirit? However, there are still perpetual issues that we face as a family and it was a timely reminder to think about my strategies for tackling them.
From a very young age, we developed a method that seemed to help immeasurably. We had family meetings. They took place after dinner when the "issue" was raised. We would only ever tackle one issue per meeting, but it was a time when we could talk about what was happening and what we as the parents, or more particularly me, the mother would like to happen. We would encourage the children to tell us what they thought and how they thought they could change patterns of behaviour to achieve a desired outcome.
They were enormously creative. During one meeting, we raised the issue of where they sat at the table and in the car. They managed to devise a system, in which each of them took turns sitting at a particular spot at the table, seat in the car which would last a week and then they would swap. It was also linked to whose turn it was to set the table, wash up and help me with dinner. It worked perfectly and the system lasted for years - probably at least ten. It resolved countless arguments and tears and they came up with it!
I remember the morning routine discussion. I explained to the children that I was tired of feeling like I was ordering them around each morning to do the tasks they knew they had to do. One of them told me that they found it too much to do music practice in the morning, but they would do it after school. Another told me they loved having time to play outside and after a bit of discussion, it was agreed that if jobs got done quickly, then they would have oodles of time to play. The children all knew what was expected of them, and they also knew that if they forgot to pack their lunch box, homework or sporting equipment, they would have to wear the consequences. They also knew that I would be leaving the house at a particular time and it was up to them to be ready - I was not going to say anything or give them reminders. This family meeting discussion changed the shape of our mornings considerably.
I would love to say that we never had any problems after this, but I would be lying. But it was a discussion that I could return to at subsequent meetings when their behaviour lapsed.
Living with young adults is very different from living with small children, but ground rules were set when they were little and we have had the most success at changing behaviour by starting a discussion during a family meeting. Sadly, I need to remind myself that this is a strategy worth applying.
I recently resorted to writing a list of "non-negotiables" that I expected from each of my children and gave it to them. I rather suspect they each felt discouraged and embittered by this - it only made me feel better for about five minutes. Perhaps I will have more success by raising this non-negotiable list at a family meeting. Yes we still have them and asking them what they think about this list and whether it is too onerous or whether they have any other suggestions. I am hoping this will work.
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