Priorities of a wise Mum 6

Ice cased Adelie penguins after a blizzard at Cape Denison / photograph by Frank Hurley, originally uploaded by State Library of New South Wales collection.
I love this photo for many reasons, but it seems to fit with what I want to say about a wise Mum and communication.  A wise Mum knows that listening to her children matters - even when they say things that we don't want to hear.  This is a picture of a penguin who is moulting and losing its baby feathers.  I am wondering what this penguin is trying to communicate - he looks like he is covered in ice and is freezing cold - but perhaps he is flapping his wings - excited that he is finally growing up.  I can't answer this question.
Our children will repeatedly say things that we will not want to hear.  I can recall countless examples from my own life.  Take for example the time when my oldest child Michael was not yet three.  Even then, he was articulate and good at arguing his case.  I was walking to bible study with my one year old in the pram and he was walking beside me.  He told me very clearly and loudly that he didn't want to go to creche.  I told him that he had to go, that he would have a lovely time playing with the other children.  He then said that he was too shy to go to creche and this was why he didn't want to go.  I then engaged in a long conversation with him about why he was not a shy boy, but a very friendly happy boy.  I failed to listen to him on that day and I have failed to listen to him on other occasions.  What was he trying to tell me?  Simply that he didn't want to go to creche and if I had bothered to scoop him into my arms and ask him more, he would have told me that he just wanted to be with me and stay at home.  At the time, I was more concerned with my own agenda - namely to have a time of adult conversation, bible study and a break from my children.
Listening to our children is important.  If we can't listen to them when they are little and take what they say seriously, how can we expect them to grow up into teenagers who will tell us how they are feeling?  I am not saying we will agree with what they say, but they need to know that they have been heard and understood.  It is not always easy to hear what our children have to say.  It might be inconvenient, difficult, or you feel like you have heard this before and are totally over this particular conversation.   
There are two proverbs that I think wise Mums ought to memorise and ponder:

• "He who answers before listening - that is his folly and his shame."  Proverbs 18:13
• "Do you see a man who speaks in haste?  There is more hope for a fool than for him." Proverbs 29:20

Let me share a perpetual conversation that I have had with my third child for over thirteen years.    Johnny would tell me that he didn't want to go to pre-school or school.  I would respond with "so you don't want to go - can you tell me what you would like to do?"  He would then tell me that he would love to stay at home and just potter around at home.  I would then say how this sounded like a lovely way to spend a day.  How, I would love to have a quiet day at home too.  After spending a bit of time dreaming with him about what he would like to do,  much to my amazement, he has always happily gone to school. He never made a fuss, threw a tantrum or anything. And the conversation would have  lasted five minutes max.   It was as though, all he wanted was to tell me how he was feeling, and having done that, he was ready to face his day.  I still have this exact same conversation with Johnny and he is almost seventeen.  

There is something about listening to our child, taking what they say seriously that is soothing and helpful to them. There is another Proverb that is challenging:

• "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" Proverbs 15:1
• "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."  Proverbs 16:24

In the interaction I had with Michael, I responded harshly and I certainly did not help the situation.  He went to creche unhappy, misunderstood and probably feeling unloved.  In the interactions I have had with Johnny, I was able to sooth and help him face his day.  

If we can't listen to our children when they are little, we will not magically be able to listen to them when they hit those teenage years and believe me, there will be times when they will say things that we will not want to hear.  But I want to be a Mum who is there for my children - be their biggest fans and supporters - I love them and I show them I love them by listening to them.

A very helpful book on listening to our children is "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  I have also stumbled across a blog written by a New Zealand  Mum who is very wise.  She talks about listening to our children also in her posts.  Check it out:  this week with the kids.  Cathy is a wise Mum.  Finally, I have made a card for those of you who would like to become a mother who listens well.  It is always a "work in progress".  

http://www.flickr.com/photos/9788687@N03/4558957043/

Priorities of a wise Mum 5

This is a picture of Alexander on the morning of his terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  From the moment he wakes up everything seems to go wrong.  This timeless picture book called Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst is one of my favourite stories. We are all going to have good days, not so good days and bad days and sometimes, very bad days. It seems to me this is just a part of life.
 It is a part of the pattern of life described by the writer of Ecclesiastes.  "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance"  Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4.  We could add a verse of our own "A time for good days when everything goes our way and a time for bad days when everything seems to go badly wrong."   The Mum in this particular story is a wise Mum.  She does not rescue Alexander from this particular terrible, horrible no good very bad day, but lets him deal with it.  She doesn't promise to buy him a new box of cereal when he discovers that his cereal is the only box of cereal with no toy, nor does she apologise for forgetting to put dessert in his lunch box, and even at the end of the day, she doesn't tell Alexander that he can wear his favourite pyjamas because he has had a bad day.  Alexander's mother responds quite simply to his plea that it has been a terrible horrible no good very bad day by saying "some days are like that".

From a very young age, we can be teaching our children how to deal with life when things don't go our way.  We don't have to make our children feel better, nor do we need to rescue them.  We can encourage them to express how they feel about a situation by listening to them and allowing them to have a "little rant", but this is all we need to do.
This book was a great favourite in our family.  Our children regularly took this book to bed with them -  Perhaps they could identify with Alexander's day.  I certainly could.  For me there was a freedom and permission to have a bad day and openly label it a bad day.  Surely we all have days that don't seem to go so well.  We had a little conversation that centred around the truth of this book:
"How was your day?  I had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" and the other would respond "That's no good, it's not nice to have a day like that is it? ... but then, some days are like that  - aren't they?"
What I particularly like about this book, is that Alexander reaches the conclusion that perhaps his mother is right - that some days are bad days - even in Australia.  We have the American version of this book, which always made us laugh, as Alexander plans to move to Australia, which to him is on the other side of the world.  The Australian version uses Timbucktoo.
There is nothing wrong with verbalising how we are feeling about life when bad things happen - Alexander does this openly and his mother lets him.  She even has the audacity to serve him lima beans for dinner, knowing full well that he hates lima beans - again, she doesn't offer an alternative.  At the end of the book, we leave Alexander sound asleep at the end of his terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.  He manages to self sooth, or use his own thoughts to make sense of his day.  This is the challenge for Mums - to equip our children to deal with the blows of life and I like the example set by Alexander's Mother.
Psalm 13 provides us with another picture of someone having a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.  David is obviously feeling completely overwhelmed and swamped:

How long, O Lord?  Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?  How long will my enemy triumph over me?  Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.  Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him, and my foes will rejoice when I fall." vv 1-4

 David ends his outburst by reminding himself of things he knows to be true about God:

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.  vv 5-6

 David is an adult and he models here a way of dealing with despair and a difficult season in life that is wise and godly.  We can begin helping our children deal with the disappointments, frustrations, hurts and sadnesses that will inevitably come their way.  I would like to write a version of this Psalm for children.

Easter Day

This is our very newest Godson Jacob and we attended his baptism today. Three adults and four children were baptised during the service and it involved a rainwater tank that took five and a half hours to fill!  Jacob had water splashed over his head by his Dad, the Pastor at his church - it was a moving event - Easter day seems a fitting occasion to celebrate new life, new birth and for the parents, godparents and church family to make promises on behalf of the children to be involved in their Christian upbringing through prayer and modeling the love of God.  I thought that Keith and I were too old to be asked to be Godparents ever again, so we were honoured to be invited to be a part of Jacob's life.  Keith was asked to pray and this was his prayer:

Heavenly Father, We thank you for your gift of life and especially for your gift of new life through the death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ.  In your grace and by the power of your Holy Spirit, please make the promises made on behalf of Jacob a reality in his life.  Enable Steve and Naomi to raise him in the fear and nurture of the Lord that he might know the freedom and joy of sins forgiven and ever live for your praise and glory.  Amen.

It has been a special Easter weekend.  Yesterday our family had brunch with our friends Steve and Naomi and their boys.  Michael cooked us his scrambled eggs which are pretty fantastic.  Then our family friend Jemima and Susannah spent the afternoon cooking up a three course feast which we shared with Jemima's family last night.  It has been far too long since our families have spent time together, and we all enjoyed this precious time.  The girls did a great job and seemed very organised and professional.  We have suggested to Ben and Johnny that they attempt a similar banquet.  I have been through five dozen eggs this Easter - we have done so much cooking!  I am not sure I have been through that many eggs ever!  Eggs are a good thing to cook at this time of year - they symbolise new life.
It has been a while since I have spent so much time with my children.  On Thursday night, we ate our traditional passover meal with my sister and her family before attending a special service of readings at our church.  We all went to church again on Friday morning before taking lunch over to Keith's parents place.  Keith's Mum is home from hospital and making good progress.  She has good days and not so good days, but she enjoys seeing her family and enjoyed sitting in the sunshine eating lunch with us.  That afternoon I got to spend time with my friend Nicky who was visiting from Melbourne.  She was up with one of her sons for a couple of days.  We sat in the garden and wished there was a group we could attend like the Friday Morning Group we used to attend which helped us as young Mums.  We would love to talk about living with adult children and nurturing their independence without losing sleep or hair.
I am not used to doing so much socialising, so tomorrow, I plan to sleep.

Priorities of a wise Mum 4

Amelia's supersonic ear, originally uploaded by awmogul.


I was waiting for someone to point out to me that I had omitted something from my last post.  There is a fourth way we can show our children that we love them and this is with the words we speak to them.  A wise Mum knows that her child has supersonic ears and will hear any and every conversation involving them.  The doors might be closed, your house might have thick walls, but somehow, they seem to be able to hear these conversations.  Don't get me wrong, they don't seem to hear with the same sensitivity when we ask them to do a task or run an errand - it is like they have "selective supersonic hearing".
Ross Campbell in his book "How to Really Love Your Child" explains how our words can be used to show our children our love for them.  It is more than saying to our children "I love you".  It is how you speak about them.  There are two Proverbs that seem to express the power of our words very clearly:

• "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."  Proverbs 16:24
• "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."  Proverbs 12:18

The words we use to speak about our children can build them up, encourage them, nurture them and make them feel ok about themselves.  However they can also crush them, hurt them and leave them feeling inadequate and unloved.  There have been times in my life as a mother, when I have had to work very hard at curbing the words I spoke about my children when they were in hearing distance.  It might have been over a coffee with a good friend while our children played, at a park with a group of other Mums or when my husband returned home at the end of the day.  Sometimes, my children had driven me wild, and I couldn't think of anything positive to say about them.  This is the time to shut up.

I had to consciously think, ok what is something positive or good that I can say about my child that has happened today - not always easy - and say that and leave my rant for later, behind closed doors and in a soundproof room.

Priorities of a wise Mum 3

Two of my favourite picture books that I read constantly to my children are called Love you Forever by Robert Munsch and The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown.  I loved them for a truth they communicated about how much a mother loves her child.  In the Runaway Bunny, the little bunny wanted to run away, but his mother told him she would run after him because "you are my little bunny".  Love you forever expresses the love a mother has for her child from birth to old age. It is rather sentimental and usually brings a tear to my eye, but there is a little verse that expresses a deep truth that a wise Mum wants to communicate to her child:  "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

How do we show our children that we love them?   And I mean unconditionally love them? Do they feel loved only when they have pleased us?  When they have been good?    Do we love our children in the same manner that God loves us?  Unconditionally.  Without reservation.
To be perfectly honest, this is one of the hardest jobs I have ever been asked to do.  I think it would be easier to go bungy jumping and sky diving than to love my children in the same manner that God loves me.  If unconditional love was not modelled to us as a child, then it is even more difficult.  It is easy to leave our home, go to bible study, church or play group and put on a bright friendly smile, race around like a headless chook and come home totally exhausted to our children who we have no reserves left to deal with at all.  Our children need more than us telling them with words that we love them and apologies for our tiredness and grumpiness - yet again.
I am always challenged by how much God loves me:  "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called the children of God!"  1 John 3:1 or look at Psalm 103 in which the love of God for his people is expressed very clearly.  This is who we need to model ourselves on and pray that God will fill us with love for our children day in and day out.
If you are struggling with loving your children, take time to remind yourself of God's deep and unconditional love for you by pondering the words of this Psalm.
In Paul's letters to the Corinthians, he says something to his readers that is rather interesting.  He is clearly frustrated by their behaviour and is strongly rebuking them and he then says:  "What do you prefer?  Shall I come to you with a whip, or in love and with a gentle spirit?"  (I Cor 4:21.) Our children are children and by definition will behave childishly, irritatingly and annoyingly - constantly and the challenge is to not meet it with aggression, anger and harshness but with love and a gentle spirit.  I don't know about you, but I find this a hard call.
One of the wisest parenting gurus I know is Ross Campbell and he has written a number of books that explain in practical ways how to love our children with unconditional love.  I was given a copy of his book "How to really love your child" when Michael was four weeks old.  It is short and easy to read and I read it in one sitting and then returned to the beginning and read it more slowly.  Amazingly, it provided me with the tools and strategies to show my child - a tiny baby that I loved him, and amazingly, he is now almost 22 and it still provides me with the tools and strategies to show him, now a fine young man that I love him.
There are three ways we can demonstrate to our children that they are loved.  We can use eye contact - looking directly into our children's eyes - and not just when we are cross with them, physical contact - which will vary depending on age - cuddles, hand on shoulder, ruffled hair, back massage, and focussed attention - time alone with each child in which you do something just with them and you give them your undivided attention - your mobile phone is switched off, you are not giving them continual partial attention but your full attention.  Doing these things regularly with each of our children fills their emotional tanks and communicates that we love them.  I have made a new postcard based on Psalm 103.

You can follow the link to download and print and put it somewhere to remind yourself that our God is a God of love.  A wise Mum is one who approaches her children with this same love and a gentle spirit.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, originally uploaded by KarenSaraGaches.


I read this book over a year ago.  I was quite intrigued, as I had spent time with one of my daughter Susannah's friends and her mother and both had been completely engrossed by this book.  They both told me separately, that they had not been able to put it down.  As I am a bookworm and devour books, I purchased a copy and was hooked and became inseparable from it until I had finished the final page.  This is extremely dangerous when life beckons and there are many things that demand my attention.  I then got hold of the second book, and put my name down to get the third on its release last September.  They have been well read books, as I have passed them to different friends and work colleagues.
The film has just been released, and I went and saw it yesterday with a good friend.  I usually hate seeing the film of a book when I have enjoyed, but this time I was pleasantly surprised.  The film captures the main characters of Lisbeth Salander and Mikhail Blomkvist perfectly.  The story is well told - nothing is left to the imagination - it is fairly brutal, so there were times when I was grabbing Amal's arm and closing my eyes, but I enjoyed it immensely.  I am not going into details, as I don't want to spoil either the book or film for anyone.  But if you enjoy a thriller, you will enjoy this.
I have to confess that I love thriller books and thriller movies.  This often comes as a surprise to people who know me, but I am smitten.  I have a secret life of interest in the underworld of crime at work also, as I write regularly about criminal cases that have gone to court and about the law generally on a blog for legal studies students.  I am hoping that Keith will want to see it, despite not having read the book, so I can get to see it again.  Am I mad or ?

Pink

Pink, originally uploaded by kasia-aus.


There is a woman at my church who has breast cancer and is undergoing fairly aggressive treatment.    We have been praying for her over the last few weeks, since the diagnosis was made.  She has the most beautiful long chestnut hair, but the chemo is going to make her hair fall out.  As she has so much hair, this was going to be rather messy, so she decided to act first.  After church last Sunday, she asked a friend to cut and shave her beautiful crop of hair publicly and asked us to give money either to our church building fund or a charity of our choice.  A large number of us gathered with this brave woman while her hair was chopped.  
What emerged was a beautifully shaped head - in fact she radiated beauty.  One of those watching, was Steve, who lost his wife to cancer four years ago leaving him to raise their two little girls as a single Dad.  It was almost a time of celebration, as we prayed for her, as she undergoes months of horrible treatment.  Amazingly, five and a half thousand dollars was raised as collectively, we wanted to show this woman that she is not alone and that we walk with her.
This morning she arrived at church, newly shaved, her head uncovered and she looked beautiful.  She had a pink rose on her necklace and wore a soft pink scarf around her shoulders.  
Having walked with my Mum with breast cancer six years ago, she lost her hair also, and has been given the all clear every six months since, and more recently, my Mother-in-law who had radiotherapy treatment late last year,  I appreciated the opportunity to demonstrate in a practical way my support for this woman. 
I found this photo on flickr, and it captures how sometimes out of the bleakness of life, a surprise emerges, as we see people survive the difficult times they face - they are able to smile and walk bravely trusting that they have their God with them and they are not alone.