Priorities of a wise Mum 8

Happy Couple, originally uploaded by Just Us 3.
This is a favourite photo of mine.  If you follow the link,  you can read the story about this couple.  They call each other Dear and Honey.  They have clearly been together a long time and enjoy sharing their lives with each other.  This photo captures something beautiful about a marriage that is happy and connected.  A wise Mum recognises that her marriage is a central relationship in her life.  You won't just drift into a happy marriage.  Your children will not grow up, leave home for you to then have a deeply fulfilling and happy marriage.  If you are not investing in your marriage now, it won't be there when you reach a new season in your life.
A couple who are not emotionally connected are a couple who are unhappy and lonely.  It is quite possible to hide the extent to which the hurt and disappointment you are feeling is impacting you both,  and it can be quite a surprise to friends and church communities when a relationship breaks down.  It does not have to be that way and it does not involve making gigantic steps that seem like hard work.
The best gift you can give your children is a good marriage.  It is the best gift you can give your church community and the best gift you can give to our broader community.  When a marriage breaks down, lots of people suffer and there will be a ripple effect that continues to impact the lives of others.
If you are reading this and have three children under the age of five, this will probably be one of the most challenging times in your marriage.  It is hard work!  I remember being told this at a marriage workshop, as I sat knitting, heavily pregnant with my third child.  I heard it and then experienced it first hand.
It will usually be the wife who recognises warning signs that all is not going well in a marriage.  If you feel like there are some cracks, you can do something about it - seek the counsel of an older woman who you trust as a start - don't leave it too late or hope that magically, things will improve on their own - they won't.  Often the first step to rebuilding emotional connection is admitting that things could be better and making a decision to do something about it.
If this is not your experience, give thanks to God and continue to nurture your relationship with your husband - invest by setting aside "couple time", have fun together and show appreciation for each other.  If you love your children, invest in your marriage.
Last night in bible study, we looked at this passage from the book of Hebrews:

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."  Hebrews 4:14-16

This passage follows an earlier verse about how God sees into the very core of our beings - that everything is uncovered and laid bare before Him.  When things are not good, it is tempting to want to hide away with shame.  These verses are a strong exhortation to each of us to approach the throne of grace - at any time when we are in need.  My prayer for each of you who read this, is that you will not only hold firmly to your faith, but will also ask for help in facing your hurts, disappointments and vulnerabilities. 

After River

I have been a bit like a caterpillar of late, as I have read my way through a huge pile of books that I was fortunate enough to get and it has been wonderful.  I have recently finished reading this book "After River".  It is written by Donna Milner and she writes beautifully.  If you have read any of Joyce Carol Oates's books with any enjoyment, you will like this book.  It reminded me of "We were the Mulvaneys" which is harrowing to read, but memorable and thought provoking.  As is this book.

River is the name of a young man who arrives at a dairy farm in British Columbia in the mid 1960s.  River is an American draft dodger, who has illegally crossed the border to escape the Vietnam war.  The Ward family are dairy farmers in a tiny rural community.  The story is told by Natalie, the youngest and only daughter who is fifteen when River arrives.

The narrative moves backwards and forwards in time and the reader gradually fills in the gaps about what happens in the mid 1960s two years after Rivers arrival that tears this close family wide apart, shattering and changing their lives for ever.  It is a story about shame, secrets, small town prejudices, harboured hurts and the loss of innocence and the impact of an event on each member of this family.  It is sad and I had tears streaming down my face by the end.  There is much in the book that you could say is too coincidental or contrived, but it might have happened.  I was reluctantly drawn into the world of Atwood - a remote village in the Rockies and felt as if I was an invisible observer and participant.

It is easy to think that life was better in the "good old days", where there was no internet, computers, mobile phones, and that life in a small country village was wholesome and without problems.  Isn't that the problem the Israelites had?  Soon after they had been freed from slavery in Egypt, they were grumbling and complaining.  All they could think about was the food they had to eat - it was if they have forgotten the hardships of life in Egypt, as in their minds they had forgotten all of that in the light of the present hardships they were facing.  We can do this today and think that our life would be better, easier or less complicated if we lived in a remote village - away from the evils and perils of today. We could protect our children and ourselves if we lived in such a world.  Reading this book made me realise that life was fairly complicated back then too - many of the prejudices and "taboo subjects were the background to my childhood - I am not that sure that I would like to return to such a world.

I liked all the characters in this book and felt their realness, their pain and their hurts.  I can imagine what Atwood must be like - dominated by high mountains, five months of snow, and living in the shadows of the mountains that plunged the valley into darkness for most of the year - not always the idyllic place of our imagination.

Priorities of a wise Mum 7

Seasons of Life.jpg, originally uploaded by mbmc2122.
I have not written a blog post for a while for a number of reasons, but one concerns the seasonal nature of life.  Life has its seasons and a wise Mum understands this reality.  Living in Sydney, we don't really get to taste the four seasons of the year - it seems to move from summer to winter without much autumn.  I have a confused flowering plum tree in my garden who often thinks that autumn is the time to blossom and then it is flowering again in September.  But Ecclessiastes 3 looks at life in this way:  "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.  A time to be born and a time to die, .. a time to weep and a time to laugh..." 
If you are a mother of small children and babies, it is worth reminding yourself daily that this is a season and that it will pass.  I have three children who no longer demand to be read to, sung to, cuddled, nor do they throw totally irrational tantrums while out - they have passed that stage.  

Two weeks ago, I was plunged back into this season while looking after my nephew and niece.  Their  "stay at home dad" was having surgery and their Mum works full time.  I looked after them for four days and came home exhausted.  What did I do during this time?  I survived.  I tried to keep two children happy, fed, watered and safe and it was full on.  I didn't have much energy left to do anything else.  Jaden has down syndrome and is aged four, but he is reaching his normal milestones slowly.  Talia is 18 months old, but in many ways is easier to care for than her older brother.  
I took Jaden to his early intervention program and then had to work out the logistics of removing two children from a car in a car park and walking them safely to the playground.  We visited a number of parks, with no gates, right beside Lake Macquarie.  Sometimes they both decided to run - in opposite directions - one towards the road, the other towards the water.  I didn't attempt a shopping trip with the two of them.  We had mini picnics sitting in the sunshine, we read numerous books, we sang endless songs, we giggled together, I changed nappies from wriggling bodies and I cuddled them through furious tantrums, I put them to bed and hoped they would sleep.  I was in bed at 8.30 every night - even the lure of "PS I love You" on television was not enough to tempt me to stay up - I needed to sleep.
This season of life is physically exhausting and if you are a mother with children of this age, let me tell you - it is hard work!  You do this stuff day in and day out relentlessly, and it must seem unending.  But.... it passes, that is if you stop having babies.
It is easy to focus on the negatives of this season of life and yes, they are there, but there are many special joys - I love spending time at parks in the sunshine - this is not something I do any more.  I love reading children's picture books - surprisingly, I no longer have children who clamour for another story.  I love singing songs with children but today, my children never ask me to sing with them - they would probably die of embarrassment if I burst out into song.  Each morning these children would greet me with the biggest smiles and the biggest cuddles - that was so lovely.  Yes, it was an early start, but their happiness was infectious.
A girl in my bible study group is about to give birth to her first child.  She told me that she is not worried about being a Mum to a baby, but she is worried about being a Mum to a teenager.  But we sow the seeds of what our children will be like as teenagers when they are small.  If you are a wise Mum, you are able to focus on the season you are in with its good parts and not so good parts and know in your mind that it will pass and a new season will begin - all in good time.
The year that I had a son start High School, my other son was doing his HSC was when I had a mild stroke.  Not exactly a good time to go out of action as a mother.  Looking back, I am certain that part of us surviving as a family during that year was from the time I had invested in my children when they were small.  They were full on, but that was pretty much my life and all I did.  If you are finding this season hard, the answer is not to distract yourself with other stuff or long for when your children are older.  The best thing to do is to commit your angst, your frustrations, your tiredness to the Lord and ask Him to lift you, to energise you and to be content with this particular season.

But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my saviour; my God will hear me.  Micah 7:7

Priorities of a wise Mum 6

Ice cased Adelie penguins after a blizzard at Cape Denison / photograph by Frank Hurley, originally uploaded by State Library of New South Wales collection.
I love this photo for many reasons, but it seems to fit with what I want to say about a wise Mum and communication.  A wise Mum knows that listening to her children matters - even when they say things that we don't want to hear.  This is a picture of a penguin who is moulting and losing its baby feathers.  I am wondering what this penguin is trying to communicate - he looks like he is covered in ice and is freezing cold - but perhaps he is flapping his wings - excited that he is finally growing up.  I can't answer this question.
Our children will repeatedly say things that we will not want to hear.  I can recall countless examples from my own life.  Take for example the time when my oldest child Michael was not yet three.  Even then, he was articulate and good at arguing his case.  I was walking to bible study with my one year old in the pram and he was walking beside me.  He told me very clearly and loudly that he didn't want to go to creche.  I told him that he had to go, that he would have a lovely time playing with the other children.  He then said that he was too shy to go to creche and this was why he didn't want to go.  I then engaged in a long conversation with him about why he was not a shy boy, but a very friendly happy boy.  I failed to listen to him on that day and I have failed to listen to him on other occasions.  What was he trying to tell me?  Simply that he didn't want to go to creche and if I had bothered to scoop him into my arms and ask him more, he would have told me that he just wanted to be with me and stay at home.  At the time, I was more concerned with my own agenda - namely to have a time of adult conversation, bible study and a break from my children.
Listening to our children is important.  If we can't listen to them when they are little and take what they say seriously, how can we expect them to grow up into teenagers who will tell us how they are feeling?  I am not saying we will agree with what they say, but they need to know that they have been heard and understood.  It is not always easy to hear what our children have to say.  It might be inconvenient, difficult, or you feel like you have heard this before and are totally over this particular conversation.   
There are two proverbs that I think wise Mums ought to memorise and ponder:

• "He who answers before listening - that is his folly and his shame."  Proverbs 18:13
• "Do you see a man who speaks in haste?  There is more hope for a fool than for him." Proverbs 29:20

Let me share a perpetual conversation that I have had with my third child for over thirteen years.    Johnny would tell me that he didn't want to go to pre-school or school.  I would respond with "so you don't want to go - can you tell me what you would like to do?"  He would then tell me that he would love to stay at home and just potter around at home.  I would then say how this sounded like a lovely way to spend a day.  How, I would love to have a quiet day at home too.  After spending a bit of time dreaming with him about what he would like to do,  much to my amazement, he has always happily gone to school. He never made a fuss, threw a tantrum or anything. And the conversation would have  lasted five minutes max.   It was as though, all he wanted was to tell me how he was feeling, and having done that, he was ready to face his day.  I still have this exact same conversation with Johnny and he is almost seventeen.  

There is something about listening to our child, taking what they say seriously that is soothing and helpful to them. There is another Proverb that is challenging:

• "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" Proverbs 15:1
• "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."  Proverbs 16:24

In the interaction I had with Michael, I responded harshly and I certainly did not help the situation.  He went to creche unhappy, misunderstood and probably feeling unloved.  In the interactions I have had with Johnny, I was able to sooth and help him face his day.  

If we can't listen to our children when they are little, we will not magically be able to listen to them when they hit those teenage years and believe me, there will be times when they will say things that we will not want to hear.  But I want to be a Mum who is there for my children - be their biggest fans and supporters - I love them and I show them I love them by listening to them.

A very helpful book on listening to our children is "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  I have also stumbled across a blog written by a New Zealand  Mum who is very wise.  She talks about listening to our children also in her posts.  Check it out:  this week with the kids.  Cathy is a wise Mum.  Finally, I have made a card for those of you who would like to become a mother who listens well.  It is always a "work in progress".  

http://www.flickr.com/photos/9788687@N03/4558957043/

Priorities of a wise Mum 5

This is a picture of Alexander on the morning of his terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  From the moment he wakes up everything seems to go wrong.  This timeless picture book called Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst is one of my favourite stories. We are all going to have good days, not so good days and bad days and sometimes, very bad days. It seems to me this is just a part of life.
 It is a part of the pattern of life described by the writer of Ecclesiastes.  "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance"  Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4.  We could add a verse of our own "A time for good days when everything goes our way and a time for bad days when everything seems to go badly wrong."   The Mum in this particular story is a wise Mum.  She does not rescue Alexander from this particular terrible, horrible no good very bad day, but lets him deal with it.  She doesn't promise to buy him a new box of cereal when he discovers that his cereal is the only box of cereal with no toy, nor does she apologise for forgetting to put dessert in his lunch box, and even at the end of the day, she doesn't tell Alexander that he can wear his favourite pyjamas because he has had a bad day.  Alexander's mother responds quite simply to his plea that it has been a terrible horrible no good very bad day by saying "some days are like that".

From a very young age, we can be teaching our children how to deal with life when things don't go our way.  We don't have to make our children feel better, nor do we need to rescue them.  We can encourage them to express how they feel about a situation by listening to them and allowing them to have a "little rant", but this is all we need to do.
This book was a great favourite in our family.  Our children regularly took this book to bed with them -  Perhaps they could identify with Alexander's day.  I certainly could.  For me there was a freedom and permission to have a bad day and openly label it a bad day.  Surely we all have days that don't seem to go so well.  We had a little conversation that centred around the truth of this book:
"How was your day?  I had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" and the other would respond "That's no good, it's not nice to have a day like that is it? ... but then, some days are like that  - aren't they?"
What I particularly like about this book, is that Alexander reaches the conclusion that perhaps his mother is right - that some days are bad days - even in Australia.  We have the American version of this book, which always made us laugh, as Alexander plans to move to Australia, which to him is on the other side of the world.  The Australian version uses Timbucktoo.
There is nothing wrong with verbalising how we are feeling about life when bad things happen - Alexander does this openly and his mother lets him.  She even has the audacity to serve him lima beans for dinner, knowing full well that he hates lima beans - again, she doesn't offer an alternative.  At the end of the book, we leave Alexander sound asleep at the end of his terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.  He manages to self sooth, or use his own thoughts to make sense of his day.  This is the challenge for Mums - to equip our children to deal with the blows of life and I like the example set by Alexander's Mother.
Psalm 13 provides us with another picture of someone having a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.  David is obviously feeling completely overwhelmed and swamped:

How long, O Lord?  Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?  How long will my enemy triumph over me?  Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.  Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him, and my foes will rejoice when I fall." vv 1-4

 David ends his outburst by reminding himself of things he knows to be true about God:

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.  vv 5-6

 David is an adult and he models here a way of dealing with despair and a difficult season in life that is wise and godly.  We can begin helping our children deal with the disappointments, frustrations, hurts and sadnesses that will inevitably come their way.  I would like to write a version of this Psalm for children.

Easter Day

This is our very newest Godson Jacob and we attended his baptism today. Three adults and four children were baptised during the service and it involved a rainwater tank that took five and a half hours to fill!  Jacob had water splashed over his head by his Dad, the Pastor at his church - it was a moving event - Easter day seems a fitting occasion to celebrate new life, new birth and for the parents, godparents and church family to make promises on behalf of the children to be involved in their Christian upbringing through prayer and modeling the love of God.  I thought that Keith and I were too old to be asked to be Godparents ever again, so we were honoured to be invited to be a part of Jacob's life.  Keith was asked to pray and this was his prayer:

Heavenly Father, We thank you for your gift of life and especially for your gift of new life through the death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ.  In your grace and by the power of your Holy Spirit, please make the promises made on behalf of Jacob a reality in his life.  Enable Steve and Naomi to raise him in the fear and nurture of the Lord that he might know the freedom and joy of sins forgiven and ever live for your praise and glory.  Amen.

It has been a special Easter weekend.  Yesterday our family had brunch with our friends Steve and Naomi and their boys.  Michael cooked us his scrambled eggs which are pretty fantastic.  Then our family friend Jemima and Susannah spent the afternoon cooking up a three course feast which we shared with Jemima's family last night.  It has been far too long since our families have spent time together, and we all enjoyed this precious time.  The girls did a great job and seemed very organised and professional.  We have suggested to Ben and Johnny that they attempt a similar banquet.  I have been through five dozen eggs this Easter - we have done so much cooking!  I am not sure I have been through that many eggs ever!  Eggs are a good thing to cook at this time of year - they symbolise new life.
It has been a while since I have spent so much time with my children.  On Thursday night, we ate our traditional passover meal with my sister and her family before attending a special service of readings at our church.  We all went to church again on Friday morning before taking lunch over to Keith's parents place.  Keith's Mum is home from hospital and making good progress.  She has good days and not so good days, but she enjoys seeing her family and enjoyed sitting in the sunshine eating lunch with us.  That afternoon I got to spend time with my friend Nicky who was visiting from Melbourne.  She was up with one of her sons for a couple of days.  We sat in the garden and wished there was a group we could attend like the Friday Morning Group we used to attend which helped us as young Mums.  We would love to talk about living with adult children and nurturing their independence without losing sleep or hair.
I am not used to doing so much socialising, so tomorrow, I plan to sleep.

Priorities of a wise Mum 4

Amelia's supersonic ear, originally uploaded by awmogul.


I was waiting for someone to point out to me that I had omitted something from my last post.  There is a fourth way we can show our children that we love them and this is with the words we speak to them.  A wise Mum knows that her child has supersonic ears and will hear any and every conversation involving them.  The doors might be closed, your house might have thick walls, but somehow, they seem to be able to hear these conversations.  Don't get me wrong, they don't seem to hear with the same sensitivity when we ask them to do a task or run an errand - it is like they have "selective supersonic hearing".
Ross Campbell in his book "How to Really Love Your Child" explains how our words can be used to show our children our love for them.  It is more than saying to our children "I love you".  It is how you speak about them.  There are two Proverbs that seem to express the power of our words very clearly:

• "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."  Proverbs 16:24
• "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."  Proverbs 12:18

The words we use to speak about our children can build them up, encourage them, nurture them and make them feel ok about themselves.  However they can also crush them, hurt them and leave them feeling inadequate and unloved.  There have been times in my life as a mother, when I have had to work very hard at curbing the words I spoke about my children when they were in hearing distance.  It might have been over a coffee with a good friend while our children played, at a park with a group of other Mums or when my husband returned home at the end of the day.  Sometimes, my children had driven me wild, and I couldn't think of anything positive to say about them.  This is the time to shut up.

I had to consciously think, ok what is something positive or good that I can say about my child that has happened today - not always easy - and say that and leave my rant for later, behind closed doors and in a soundproof room.